Reply to Ok to just make major parental decisions solo?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I think if you'd posted this in the Special Needs forum, you wouldn't have gotten so much pushback about your concerns about executive function. People in that forum tend to be very understanding that ADHD is real. They also understand that gifted kids can be inattentive and/or hyperactive. And it seems to me that Relationships forum tends to have some people coming on and being argumentative/judgmental. But I see why you chose this one.
Don't be pushed by those contrarians pushing their opinions that it's your parenting, or your child's issues are no big deal. 
In my case, my son showed signs of impulsivity and inattentiveness. DH attributed my son's behavior to "all boys are like that." I strongly disagreed--when you are constantly getting the notes at end of day from the pre-school teacher, the elementary school after-school counselors, etc, it is not something you can explain away. My DH had heard many stories about Ritalin 'abuse' in older kids. (overprescribing, dependency, misuse, etc.) that he had a preconceived notion that "accepting an ADHD diagnosis"="going on Ritalin"=bad. Finally, the turning point came when my son accidentally harmed another child physically (fortunately not badly, and the victim was a sweet, forgiving child, but still). Other kids had provoked his anger and he acted out in a way that ended up hurting the classmate who was standing in his path. So, I was summoned to the school counselor's office the next day and told that my child would not be permitted back in school unless I agreed to address his behavior with professional help. I don't know what the legal-type rules on suspending a child are, but it didn't matter to me...I instantly said yes because I had already identified a neuropsych evaluation person and wanted to move forward anyways on getting him help.
Assuming your son isn't about to get himself into a situation where you are faced with that sort of ultimatum, I have some other suggestions for you. 
First, you can tell your DH that one benefit of the full neuropscyh evaluation is to provide you with a very detailed insight about the types of intellectual strengths your son has.  You know your child is gifted, but the evaluation can include a sort of IQ test, and a breakdown of what parts of his intellect are particularly strong. This is not only useful to encourage your child but also has professional weight, so if you need it in the future for any other purposes, you can have it. (in my case, we were going to use it to help get my son into an enriched school program, although it wasn't necessary by the time all was done).
Second, you could propose a compromise of sorts to your DH that you have a consultation with a developmental pediatrician. In my case, neither DH or I were all that familiar with developmental peds, but I kept seeing them mentioned in the special needs forum and went ahead and arranged an appointment with one. It was after the neuropsych, in our case, but I think you can just as easily do it as the first port of call. Your DH can have a professional explain what he/she is seeing, and likely in an authoritative but sensitive manner, so that your DH hears the information in a way that he can absorb. (note that Developmental pediatricians aren't covered by many health insurance plans and aren't cheap). Finally, if your child's pediatrician is attuned to ADHD issues, as my DS's is, he or she can be a voice similar to that of the developmental pediatrician. You'd just need to get your DH to come to that appointment (you don't have to give him any clues beforehand, maybe), and make sure it's a long enough appointment for this kind of discussion. And perhaps email the doctor ahead of time with your concerns so that she/he can plan accordingly when asking your son questions, etc. (and the doctor will surely arrange to give you his/her opinion privately and not in front of your son).
Another argument you can use to maybe convince your DH is that if it will help your son to have a front-row seat in class, for example, or to have his teachers give him reminders, then the evaluation->504 is the way to make that happen. It doesn't have to be because your son gets a label "Has ADHD" . You can simply say that the evaluation can help point to ways that your DS can perform better and require the school to comply.
You might want to post your question on the special needs board, because while there are many people who've replied about their own IEP/504 journey, there is a lot of noise from people questioning your judgment, and on that forum, people do not often judge, and it's likely that people have successfully navigated your very same situation.[/quote]

I do think I need to find out more from the school about what exactly a 504 will provide for our child, and then we need to decide if that will be beneficial.  Is it just preferential seating, and extra reminders, and extra time for assignments?  From what I've read in my tentative google search, it doesn't sound like it is much more beyond that.  And from what the IEP team told us, it sounds like we don't need a diagnosis or evaluation to get a 504, we just need to get a note from the doctor saying that the accommodations would be beneficial for our child.

And as far as my husband is concerned, I did bring it. up to discuss tonight, and surprisingly, he was fine with it.  Maybe because he also didn't really know what a 504 was. Generally, his thinking was, if all we needed was a doctor's note to have our child sit in front of the class and that's helpful for our child, then why not.  I guess we will find out for sure if that is all that is required, or if the doctor will want to do an evaluation - because that might be another story and my husband will probably not be as keen on that.

I appreciate your insight about the value of the neuropsych evaluation and developmental pediatrician. It was something I had considered for a while, and brought up with my husband before.  But he was very against it so I had tabled it - but that's good information to have.[/quote]

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