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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Sorry, I don't invite people to stay overnight who make me feel bad about myself, or God, forbid, my CHILDREN.

Pick up the phone and disinvite him. You can tell him that you have thought a lot about how he expected you to be his maid, and how he bullied your daughter, and that you do not want him visiting for now.

And your husband can shut up and and go with it if he doesn't have the moral courage to defend you and his daughter.

[/quote]

+100 you are setting a horrible example for your daughter by tolerating someone who is cruel to her and treats women as second class citizens in your home [/quote]

This. It's unacceptable. Don't create an environment where you KNOW it's going to happen.[/quote]

+1 and also, OP, do you work? If you and DH both work I don't understand why you seem to be responsible for everything surrounding FIL's visit. Tell DH it's his father, and he can spend time with him (taking off from work if necessary), get his meals other than those you may already be preparing for the whole family, wait on him etc.

If you are home all day I can see more how this dynamic developed, but it's time to break it. Find a way NOT to be home all day during FIL's visit. He should not expect that someone is there to wait on him all the time. And if he does, that someone can be his own son, not you.

Have you ever called him out directly on his behavior toward your daughter? Perhaps he is genuinely unaware of how he treats her. I'd start with that. And if he can't or won't change, or denies it, or yells, then you shouldn't have him over -- or should make sure any time he spends with either kid is supervised by you.

Honestly just send your DH to visit him for 2 weeks, it sounds like everyone would be better off.[/quote]

I do work, but have a more flexible schedule than DH who is on zoom calls all day. Crafty FIL takes advantage of this and bothers me routine throughout the day. I usually have to hide from him, which is difficult to when you have kids at home. When I make my kids lunch and add something for myself, it feels pretty and childish to tell father in law I didn’t make anything for him. I don’t mind doing things for him- he is alone and making lunch for himself most of the time. That said, by the end of our visit I could barely keep myself from grumbling when he grabbed a plate for himself and would serve himself before the kids even ate. I would tell this to my husband who, to his credit, would remind father in law I wasn’t his chef. This didnt help so much. I guess I could have told him to make lunch for us, but he is such a horrible cook I didn’t want to eat anything he made or have my kids eat it either.

So I probably wasn’t clear but father in law isn’t visiting us at our home now- his trip has been cut down and we will go on a trip together. We will see how it goes. I am steeling myself for some sort of argument, but as someone said earlier, maybe this isn’t a bad thing?  I think my husband needs to lead any sort of discussion since my father in law is al crafty and will focus on how I am a bad person if I say anything. I understand that he is depressed after he retired and lost his wife, but he is young for a retired widower (and healthy too) and will likely continue to leach off of us for years to come. I will not have him come to my house and hurt my children.

Op[/quote]

Sounds like you need to get a lot less flexible with your schedule.  And figure out what foods your FIL dislikes and make those for lunch.[/quote]

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