Reply to I hate when people assume I have a ton of free time because I SAH

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Being home with kids may not mean a lot of free time, but it’s certainly more FLEXIBLE than working outside the house. I can run that errand / watch that friend’s kid when they have an emergency / make that phone call, because I can either rearrange my day to make it work or do it while I’m doing other stuff. I have a baby on two naps right now, but when I have a toddler on one nap I LOVE midday errands. I would so much rather walk around the empty grocery store showing him all the different fruit as we shop than sit at home intensively parenting. I would love to have phone calls while I’m making lunch or folding laundry.

But then, I also prefer to call myself a housewife vs a SAHM. I don’t have my attention entirely on my kids the whole time I’m at home. I am also cooking, cleaning, and making all the arrangements for our lives. I wouldn’t want a nanny doing that for HER life, but if I had a WOH job I’d love to pay someone to do it for ours…[/quote]

Depends on the kid and the job. Lots of people with WFH jobs have that exact flexibility. And some people have more challenging kids than others. I had a 3 year old who went through a phase of having enormous meltdowns any time our schedule changed in any way. That didn't feel flexible AT ALL. Doing basic stuff like going to the grocery story required a ton of work on my part to get my kid ready for that slight change in routine. I would have watched a friend's kid in an emergency, but I also would have known it would almost certainly cause massive struggles with my extremely strong-willed kid.

Anyway, there's just no way to compare these things. Some kids are easier. Some ages are easier. Some jobs are easier. You absolutely cannot assume that a SAHM has more free time or greater flexiblity than someone with a job (hello, the whole point of OP's post is that nanny is a job, and it's not super flexible or filled with free time, so why would you assume being a SAHM is?).[/quote]

Yes, it definitely depends on the kid. But the difference is that being a SAHM is like being a freelancer and being a nanny [b]is[/b] being an employee. Either way you have stuff you have to get done, and it's rude to assume that because someone isn't answerable to an outside "boss" that they can do whatever you want them to do! But it's also true that if your spouse is hit by a car and you need to go to the ER, your SAH or freelancer friend will probably be able to rearrange their day more easily to watch your kids more easily than your nanny or WOH friend. [/quote]

As a freelancer who used to SAHM, the answer to this is: maybe. It's true that being a SAHM, and being a freelancer, allows you to structure your work (and yes, it is work either way) however you see fit. And most at-will employment does not (though some does -- those jobs do exist). But that doesn't mean you never have deadlines or critical things that cannot be moved or postponed.

Regarding your example of needing someone to watch your kid while you went to the hospital, I honestly think it's up in the air as to who is best able to do this. What if the SAHM is taking her kid to the doctor that afternoon? What if her kid has a horrible virus? What if the freelancer is under an intense deadline? And what if the WOH parent is having a not-super-busy day at work (they happen!). The WOH parent's kid is in childcare already, so she may actually be best able to help you out, if she has the kind of job where she could say "Hey, my friend just got hit by a car and I need to pick their kid up from school while they are at the hospital." I have been in many jobs where my boss would have responded to that with "Of course, go! I hope your friend is okay!" Whereas it would be super awkward to tell a freelance client that I need to postpone a deadline for this reason, because I rarely have that kind of personal relationship and rapport with my clients that I did with a boss of several years. And as a SAHM, if I had a sick kid at home, I could probably figure out a way to do it, but it would be hard.

So the answer is: it depends! Which is why you shouldn't assume that just because someone is a SAHM or a freelancer or single or childfree or whatever, that they are available to you. No one's life is more important than anyone else's life. It's good to help friends when they need you. It's also good to say thank you and recognize when you've imposed. That doesn't mean "never impose" but acknowledge that your friend's time matters and isn't just free for the taking because they are "just" a SAHM.[/quote]

PP. Yes, I think you're right, and this is a good and nuanced point. It is a jerk move to assume that someone isn't busy just because of how they spend their day. I think my "hit by a car" example is not ideal because often the things SAHMs/freelancers are able to do because of their flexibility are more predictable -- I might not be able to watch your kid during your dentist appointment if you ask me the morning of, but if you ask me two weeks ahead of time I can almost certainly make it happen. [/quote]

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