Reply to Help settle an argument: with 2 under 5, doing errands is a break

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. He dislikes being with both kids but won’t admit it. He will literally spend 4 hours doing yard work or house projects and then blow up at me when I get pissed off from watching the kids that whole time because he’s the one busting his butt and will say stuff like 0what, you think it’s fun to paint/weed/mow. I’m making your house nice for you!” Except he’s gotten a good sweat going, has been listening to music or podcasts, and has gotten to accomplish something while I’m just watching kids.

I did get ticked last week and went to the grocery store. He complained I was taking too long to check cupboards and meal plan before I went, then was texting me when I was there about why it was taking so long, then complained when I got home because I bought a second gallon of milk, and a second bag of chips of a kind we already had, and didn’t buy a second loaf of bread (I was trying to check but he rushed me out the door) and then was like, if you want to do the shoppping you have to keep track of all this stuff.

He’s gotten more controlling since having kids and then the pandemic and I’m so sick of it. [/quote]

Kinda sounds like you both hate being with the kids alone.[/quote]

That’s not it at all. But DH is controlling and extremely concerned about #1’s health condition and #2 getting sick as a newborn/infant so we have basically had little to no child care for most of the pandemic. He’s been extremely adamant and only recently relented to let a nanny in the house. We are both also just utterly and completely gassed and burnt out. And neither kid sleeps well and we are not able to go to bed early because we are constantly burning the candle at both ends to do work/laundry/household tasks that don’t get done during the day while we juggle kids/work so we are chronically sleep deprived (last night for instance we were both up til 12 getting showers in, cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, and doing/folding laundry and straightening) then the baby was up at 1, screamed for a good 30 min, woke up #2 at 1:45, then #2 was up again at 3 and woke the baby so DH went to sleep with #1 and I nursed the baby at 3, the baby woke again at 5, the baby woke up at 6 and was up and woke DH who flipped out about how he only gets unbroken sleep (uh yeah, I’m the one nursing, so don’t even complain to me as I nurse the baby while you snore in the middle of the night, multiple times, most nights, and somehow you want a medal for every once and a while helping me change a diaper at 2 am?) so I got up with the baby and was up with the older kid who woke at 8 and then he woke up at 8:30 after I let him sleep in and made him food while watching both kids and had the audacity to tell me again how tired he was and how he’s going to drop dead of a heart attack if he doesn’t start sleeping better soon instead of being grateful I took it on the chin so he could get a few extra hours of sleep.

Honestly our marriage was good until kids. It got hard with 1, but as 1 got older we could take turns giving each other breaks so we each had gym time and friend time sometimes and he traveled multiple times per year for work so each of us got some time off. But now with two and the pandemic the demands of the kids are consuming and unrelenting, and I feel like there’s this sexist layer of my husband that’s somehow been unearthed that is resentful I’m not a SAHM and the default parent for everything and that I’m not just ok with parenting more than he does because I’m the woman. He literally will say things like, why didn’t I just marry one of yours sisters because they seem perfectly fine with watching the kids all the time (except one was a SAHM and the other married a wealthy guy with a trust fund who routinely golfs every weekend and leaves my sister with the kids alone but she doesn’t have to work full time anymore because the husband makes most of the money). [/quote]

I second the suggestion got counseling if possible. He’s saying some pretty mean things.

It’s the weekend. Let the clean laundry live in baskets. Use paper plates and get take out. You’re both beyond burned out and the sleep deprivation is destroying your marriage.

Integrate the kids into your life and the life of the household. The baby can lie on a playmat while you fold laundry. Maybe the older kid helps or maybe they play independently nearby. I’ve got 3 and if it’s not done while they awake, it’s not done. [/quote]

+1. Why are both of you staying up until midnight to do chores? Make meals simpler so you are using fewer dishes. Laundry should be able to get done while kids are awake. Which one of you is the neat freak? It is okay to let some stuff slide so you can get more sleep. Do you have a housecleaner? We only used one bathroom in our house for a while so we didn't have to clean the other bathrooms between our housekeeper coming twice a month.[/quote]

Op here. This is because my husband refuses to let anything slide. Although he would argue that he doesn’t. I used to be a neat freak before kids but realized that if I let my standards slip I will be much happier because trying to keep everything perfect is impossible. I’m ok with a messy house and letting laundry slide, eating McDonald’s sometimes, easy dinners, going to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, leaving floors not vacuumed. But my husband has become much pickier about cleanliness and is constantly cleaning up, and then tells me how he’s the only one who cleans or maintains order around the house (and of course whenever he gets out the vacuum guess who gets to watch the kids). I think he’s secretly angry that I can’t stay home because we make the same salary and we need my income, and tries to pick and choose the parenting pieces he wants to do (prefers the older kid to do adventures and such, loves that I’m nursing because anytime the baby is fussy or crying he just says the baby is hungry and starts badgering me when the last time I nursed was or insisting I need to nurse to try to calm him). I’ve said I want to go to marriage counseling multiple times over the years and he constantly says I’m the one with the problem, that I need to see someone and all the problems in our marriage are because I’m not nice to him. He’s also super resentful that we are not having intimacy on a regular basis but my hormones are in the tank while nursing like they are when I was nursing the first baby and I honestly find the idea of it repulsive as I am touched out from both kids. Plus he loves to make passing sarcastic comments periodically about how “I never get any” and it just further irritates me. If you want me to feel amorous towards you, kindness and a back rub goes a lot farther than bitterly complaining. I’ve told him as much but he still finds time for these snarky comments. [/quote]

Look, he’s already being an ass to you. Time to stand up for yourself. Today, announce that you are running errands and LEAVE. He can figure it out.

Tonight, when he is cleaning for three million hours, just go to bed and read a book. You don’t have to play by his rules. [/quote]

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