Reply to I have an egalitarian marriage, and I HATE it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We split childcare, cooking, cleaning. Everything is always chaos. Who has time to work full time plus communicate constantly about every little detail of home management in order to keep things running remotely smoothly? Power struggles about how to do every little thing since there are two people who have to have ultimate responsibility for the outcome. We are bad at this!! Maybe other people can do it better.

To me the ideal arrangement would be that my husband was out of the house more, earning more money, and I had a part time job and had more time with kids and home management. [b]Why do women complain about that arraignment?[/b] I really don't get it. I actually hate having other people (DH, nanny) in my kitchen, doing a half-ass job. My poor kids have part time with me, nanny, and daddy, but no one person who really gets to spend extended, quality time, learning about their needs and being there for them. I hate this.

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My wife has what you want in my marriage - I am out of the house and earn a lot of money. And my wife is now miserable because she feels at age 46 she never had a real career and is resentful of me for having mine.

Not saying that you would feel the same, just answering your question.[/quote]

This. I’ve seen this over and over and over.

You have to be honest with yourself about what you want out of life and many people are so swept up in the daily grind of what society expects that they don’t know. Then in your 40s, the reality of not having a career hits and major resentment develops. That’s the kind of bitterness you cannot let go of easily because your kids are older, everyone is moving on, and you’ve sacrificed your self and your passions for a transient project of, what, 10-12 years?

If your dream is to be a mother and homemaker and you are realistic about what that means, day to day and in the big picture, fine. If you have any aspirations for self realization then please pursue those and do not subject your family to this level of resentment. The grass is always greener. FWIW I have the kind of partnership you describe and I feel lucky. I know that I want a career, another world to explore and a channel for my passions — challenges and opportunities to grow outside of the claustrophobic world of chores that never get done and little ones who need you constantly. There is definitely a price to pay for this, namely juggling in the early years, but for me it was a bargain compared to feeling trapped, resentful, and unfulfilled for the rest of my life. [/quote]

Pp you are responding to and this is an important view. I am in a field where successful people make 700k-2M and I remember when my wife was pregnant once of my senior partners told me to not let my wife stay home because when kids get older its a disaster for your marriage. I heard they from a couple others as well.  Of course, my marriage would be different.

It was a wonderful division until it wasn't and right at the time when the kids hit middle school and didn't need the intensive attention.

Of course, it's totally possible that we just weren't going to make it as a couple even if she worked but at least she would have a job and salary to support her if we divorce which is looking like a real possibility[/quote]

PP here. It’s a disaster for many marriages, I agree. It’s just too hard to make up for something you’ve never had and can’t ever have. It gets idealized since you never did it. Having worked, you know it is no picnic, but try telling that to someone who feels bored, empty, and unfulfilled at home and imagines that if they had had certain opportunities their life would be so much happier.

It’s important for women to have agency. With agency comes responsibility. You can’t blame your unhappiness on someone else, you have to work it out. The main problem with dropping your career and staying home is that you feel like you don’t have agency — even when it was your choice. It’s a very hard role to leave because the inertia of the everyday drags you down into minutiae.  [/quote]

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