Reply to “Calm down” is it inappropriate?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?[/quote]
Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words. [/quote]

Like what?[/quote]

The parent needs to be the example of calm, not tell the child to be calm.

There are two things going on:

1) children (and many adults) often don’t know how to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation comes naturally with maturity and it is also a learned skill. Kids shouldn’t be expected to just be calm without being taught how.

2. Often when somebody says “calm down,” they are escalating the emotional volatility of the situation, putting the onus of deescalation on the person who is already upset. This usually doesn’t work with kids, and when it does, it probably is emotionally unhealthy.

3. If “calm down” isn’t immediately followed by listening and emotional validation, it’s very invalidating. [/quote]

I wouldn't tell my kids to regulate their emotions in a way that I wouldn't tell an adult. That seems cruel, or at best teaches them the wrong lessons. I think it's better to acknowledge that they're really upset and inquire why and go from there.

If the intensity of their emotions is actually getting in the way of addressing the issue, maybe say something like, [b]"I can see how upset you are right now and I want to help, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to talk to you about it. So, maybe we should pause and I can collect my thoughts." [/b]In my experience, saying something like that actually calms the person down because they realize that I do want to help and getting that help is more important to them than being all riled up.[/quote]

I know that this the “right” way to do it in 2021, but I find this kind of talk way more annoying than just saying what you really mean (which is “calm down”). And what child is actually going to listen to and process the meaning of two whole wordy sentences coming out of your mouth, especially if they’re upset? I say “calm down.” I’ll continue to say “calm down.” My kids and I are good.[/quote]

I saw “I am having a hard time figuring out how to talk to you about it so I’m giving myself a time out” and it works great. Once I told one of my kids to calm down (she was seven at the time) and she just screamed “I want to be calm but I can’t” and burst into tears. Then I tried the “I need time to collect my thoughts” and everything was much better. [/quote]

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