Reply to S/o outsourcing cleaning as a relationship fix

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think implied in this conversation, but not expressly stated, is the belief that somehow, the wife can force the husband to do more if only she insists more, using the right words and logic.

But the wife can’t do that. She cannot make him do anything, full stop. A cleaning service is accepting it as true (which it is). [/quote]

A husband who genuinely loves his wife and respects her as a person would change his ways after being shown how impossible it is for her to do everything (be a working mom and a SAHM who does 90% of child and house related tasks).
[/quote

And this is why people and up divorced over this. It isn’t actually about the dishes or the school drop offs. It is about the complete and total disrespect for your spouse if you behave like this.[/quote]

It's not a perfect cause and effect.

My DH does not do as much around the house as I do and does not do as much childcare as I do. But we are in frequent communication about this. He works hard to do better. I do not thing the split will be 50/50 as long as our kids are young -- it's just not realistic that he will change that much right now. But it gets a little better every day. I'd say our equilibrium is 60/40, with him also making a particular effort to make sure that I still get to do things for myself. From the older couples I've discussed this with, I think as long as our communication is good and we are working on it, it can only get better as our kids get older and need less hands-on childcare, and also learn to do things on their own. I definitely don't think we're on a path to divorce. Even though it's not equal now and hasn't been for several years, there is rarely resentment because we acknowledge this and do our best to fix it.

My DH is kind to me. It makes it easier when every time our kids need to leave the house, I'm packing lunches and doing sunscreen and checking the schedule to see what random crap I need to send with them, and my DH is looking at his phone. Because I can say "I need help" and instead of throwing a fit, he'll ask what he can do and do it. Would it be better if I didn't have to ask? YES. But it's not divorce-worthy to me if I have to ask. There are so few men you wouldn't have to ask. I'm sure they exist, but there are not enough to go around. I love my DH, I'm attracted to him, we have a nice life together. It's good enough. Those men you don't have to ask probably have other flaws. No one is perfect (including me).

If you need a 100% equal division of labor in order to avoid divorce, then don't get married. It will never happen. Someone always does more.[/quote]

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