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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hey OP, I'm your height. Maybe a half inch shorter than you. I was a gymnast into my twenties so I've always been on the compact side. In my thirties, I ranged from 120 to 140, or a 4-6 in women's clothing. I probably felt best at around 130-133. I was doing fitness modelling at that weight. Men seemed to appreciate me most at closer to 140, since weight tends to go straight to my ass. 125 and under was only possible with severe calorie restriction and about 15 hours per week at the gym. 128-135 was doable, but it was work. Over 135, I was letting go a little.

Now I'm in my mid forties. Between having surgery a few years ago, lifestyle changes, Covid, and generally losing some f--ks about my appearance, my weight has crept up. I'm now a size 8, and range from about 142 to 150. I hate it. I HATE IT. For the first time in my life, I'm embarrassed to wear shorts, I feel like my face and upper arms are pudgy, my belly isn't flat, I don't feel sexy, and I'm just miserable and consumed with my weight and size. Mostly size, really. I think about it day and night. 
I want to feel better and look better, but I also know that I'm closer to 50 than 40 now, I'm in good health generally, and I need to accept that I'm not going to look like I did in my thirties. It's also not lost on me that it's impossible to discipline myself at all when I'm so unhappy. I beat myself up all day and then order takeout for dinner or drink a half a bottle of wine because it makes me feel better. When I hate myself this much, I can't even motivate myself to go out for a short walk, let alone do any real exercise.

So, I bought some really nice new clothes in an 8 and am going to try not to think about it all the time, for a start. I also started to have sex again, after feeling too embarrassed to see anymore. (I have a long term on and off FWB who has seen me at every weight and state, and he doesn't seem to care in the slightest that my abs aren't hard anymore).  I'm hoping that a little bit of self-acceptance will help prevent some of the emotional eating, something I never used to do. I'm grateful that the weather is nice now, and I'm spending more time outside, taking my dog on long walks instead of taking her on short ones, planning to go home and exercise and then feeling too unmotivated to do anything but watch TV.

So, yeah, I guess you could say I've accepted my higher weight, or I'm trying to. There is no way that I'm ever going to lose any weight feeling so miserable, so I figure I might as well make peace with myself as I am. Even if I don't lose any, at least I'll have learned to accept that I'm not the woman I was ten years ago and it's okay. [/quote]

I hear you, PP.  I am up a size and hate my flabby body and enormous stomach.  I watch/track what I eat carefully and exercise 6-7 a week, but late 40's weight is hard to lose unless you do something drastic.  So I'm trying to come to terms with my new body, which at least is strong and capable, as opposed to just wishing I could go back to 5-10 years ago (where I looked better despite eating more and exercising less).  Still better than the alternative![/quote]

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