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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]She is now finally responding--so by holding a grudge and continuing to hold it against her, you are now the one withholding--emotionally if not physically. [/b][/quote]

[quote]And if you show your wife all your cards (the bitterness, anger, vengeful feelings, etc.) you risk losing the sex at this point too.  Maybe you can keep the sex, go to therapy to work on your immediate feelings and then do couples counseling.  Baby step your way to the marriage you'd like to have.   [/quote]

I disagree completely. First, the only thing she is doing is responding to his threat of divorce. If she truly had some watershed, come to Jesus realization that she'd been emotionally abusing him for a decade, and had gone out of her way through her actions to demonstrate that she recognized the gravity of her abuse (by seeking medical attention, therapy, etc) and truly sought to make amends for her actions, I doubt OP would be on here posting about his bitterness. Instead, he delivered his ultimatum (no doubt after years of pleading, begging, and constant rejection), and she "responded" by essentially throwing him obligation sex. In her mind (and apparently in the minds of some of the posters here), "she's giving him what he wants." To the contrary, I think he probably "wants" (i.e., is entitled to and still is not getting and is therefore bitter) more than "allow me to insert Tab A into Slot B or I will bring a lawyer into this."

Second, the statement that she might again choose to withhold sex if he dares to be honest with her about how her obligation sex hasn't fixed anything simply proves the point. She ruined the marriage and is now "responding" by giving him ransom sex, which she may again deny him if he's honest about what she's done.

Nothing has been fixed here. She is who she is. If she wanted to change, she would have.[/quote]

I'm the PP you quoted.  Is this situation ideal?  Absolutely not.  She should have gone to see some sort of Dr. - any sort of Dr. - years ago and she didn't.  OP said he didn't want to end his marriage now.  Sure he can drop a bomb into their relationship, make every day a battle, let his bitter flag fly freely - but they've got kids and he pretty much said he's not interested in doing that.  So his options are to get himself to a therapist and try to start improving a lousy situation, get a divorce now or stuff his feelings and withhold emotionally (which IMO is doing no better than she did for 10 years).  Is it fair?  No.  Should she have done differently?  Absolutely.  But she didn't and he didn't force the situation at year 2, 3, 4, 5... and you can't woulda, shoulda, coulda this into something else.

One thing I've learned about marriage since getting married is that it's rarely 50/50.  Sometimes one partner carries 80% of the load while the other only carries 20% and vice versa years later.  I'm not saying that the OP should sweep this under the rug.  That's what she's done for years and he complied with it.  Unless you genuinely don't want to make the marriage work long term - don't do what she did.       [/quote]

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