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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The options are not either tough love or false platitudes. I understand why people think this but I just want to let you know there are other options. I think often the problem is that we always think people are looking for advice or directives. We think our job as a friend is to weigh in, to either agree or disagree, to confirm that a course of action is a good idea or try to dissuade our friend if we think it's a bad idea.

I don't think that's our job as friend. We're not career coaches. We are not mentors. We are no one's boss or mother or older sister. We aren't guides. We are friends.

So what's the other option? Well let's take an example from the thread. Say you have a friend who is in a relationship that isn't abusive but is also not serving her at all. Their personalities don't seem to match up, and worse, you feel like your friend is changing who she is to accommodate this guy who doesn't even seem to treat her or appreciate her. So what do you do? If you genuinely love your friend, how do you help?

False Platitude approach: "He seems great! I'm so happy for you! He might not be the right go for me but I'm sure you guys will be really happy together. All relationships require compromise. I am totally supportive of you in marrying this guy!"

Tough Love approach: "I'll be honest, I don't get what you see in him. He's lazy, he's rude, and I don't like him. I think you are more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than with this actual person. I think you are making a huge mistake and I don't feel like it would be right to say I support it, because I don't."

Third Way: "I love you and think you are an amazing person who deserves joy and happiness. I don't care how you get there and obviously who you choose to love is your decision. But when you tell me about some of your conflicts with this guy, it makes me mad. Not at you, but at this guy for not treating you better, and also at any situation that makes you think like this is the most you can hope for. I think you deserve more than this. You are worthy of more than this."

I always want the third friend. I only want the third friend. I get why people wind up being one of the first two, but I don't think they serve the friendship at all. False platitudes lead to shallow friendships with limited bonds and those always fade away. People can tell when you are just blowing smoke up their a$$. But tough love makes people defensive, and only worsens the problem you think you are helping them solve. Their problems are theirs to solve. But as a friend, you can always remind them that they deserve a good outcome. Sometimes when you are struggling, that is really hard to remember. And when your friend is mad at you for complaining, it only makes it worse.[/quote]

I'm the PP above who waxed on about people being complex and agree with this poster as well. I think sometimes people become platitude friend and tough love friend due to dynamics in the relationship, and some people are just naturally pliant or abrasive. The third friend is the best friend, and I think there are people who bring out the best in each other that make being the third friend (and being able to receive the third friend) easier. [/quote]

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