Reply to A theory about "tough love" friends

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "A theory about "tough love" friends"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP and the PP with the divorced friend are both oversimplifying something that is very complex.

As with basically everything in life, people are different. Some people need/thrive on tough love, some shut down and feel extremely hurt by it. If you are someone's friend, you know what kind of person they are, and you can choose when/how to dole out your honest opinions in ways that are constructive.

There are bad people on both sides of this equation. The 'tough love' friend who uses that as an excuse to put down their friend constantly as an outlet for their own insecurity sucks. And many versions of her exist!

The 'poor put upon' friend who's friend is mean to her can also be an emotional vacuum that complains about literally everything, all the time, and wants everyone to sit around and indulge her drama or else they are all 'mean girls,' she sucks too!

And these are just archetypes and there is plenty of grey area in between.

I think I used to be a tough love friend. And it is mostly because I am just incapable of giving false platitudes. It actually came from a very deep place of loving the person and wanting to help them. But I realized somewhere along the way that everyone is on their own journey and honestly, I don't know everything! I don't know them better than they know themselves. I still do not give false platitudes, but I also don't say when I think someone is making a mistake.

The friend I feel like I fell most into this dynamic with I am not friends with anymore. She was a sensitive and emotional person who, in addition to complaining about everything in her life, constantly, did virtually nothing to change her life, ever. She was/is a kind and good hearted person, the person who always texts you on holidays and remembers her kid's birthdays, but actually spending time with her was just an exercise in holding my tongue. Because I'd been listening to her gripe about the same stuff for like 15 years. We're not really friends now, mostly because she actually did start making changes and really changed her life. I think she's a lot happier. And I think she put me in the bucket that OP put me in. I'm certainly not responsible for her changes, she did them and she did them after our friendship faded; it had nothing to do with me. But I think when she looks at me she resents that I was right about some things, and feels that even if I was, nothing I said actually put her on the path to making them. Which is fair. But like the PP, I feel like she was blind to how that constant self inflicted misery made her a bad friend to me during my struggles. That the resentment goes both ways.

Anyway, we are BOTH better off without each other. We brought out something bad in each other. That doesn't mean I dislike her or don't respect her, but I can see that the part of me she brought out was not my best. It wasn't my most compassionate. And what I brought out in her, a retreat further into victimhood, that was not the best of her.

I agree that if you are the source of a neverending stream of 'tough love' that there likely is some self examination you could be doing. If nothing else, clearly the friendship is sick, maybe you showing that tough friend insufficient compassion and love is making them feel like you don't deserve that from them. Or maybe they are a B. Who knows, but people are usually pretty complex.

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics