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[quote=Anonymous]The post from 18:35 resonated with me, especially:

[quote]For me, there's a sadness that accompanies even the best moments with my own husband and children.[/quote]

My ACE score is 8 (not that it's a competition).  I'm in my 50s and most of the PTSD is gone (my DH doesn't have to softly call my name from the end of the hall if I've gone to bed before him but a still have fight/flight nightmares where I don't recognize that I'm dreaming).  I've created the family that I never thought I'd have.  We have challenges but we're healthy all the way around.  I've got 2 kids with SN/LDs and every single time we have to do a family history, the care provider just looks at me and states "I would never have guess".  One noted psychiatrist said she's heard everything but she'd never encountered someone with my baggage, eh, background.  In this sense, I'm a unicorn.

Yet, like 18:35, I often experience a tinge of sadness even in the best moments of my family life.  DH and the kids are aware of some of it - they know that I really don't like any occasion that is supposed to recognize me.  Growing up, every single one of those occasions would be ruined and full of anguish, at least until I learned to numb myself to it.  Birthdays?  Either no cake or the cake would be thrown against the wall or we'd be forced to eat the entire cake or my father would take over blowing the candles out and deliberately spit all over it.  Christmas?  The tree would get knocked over and/or the decorations would be taken off and smashed and/or we'd be dragged out of bed sometime before the 25th and have to open all the presents (that's how I first learned there was no Santa, my older brothers were hoping it wouldn't happen to me like it did to them but no such luck).  Thanksgiving?  The turkey would be tossed to the dogs yet, when my father sobered up, we'd have to cook a whole nother meal to 'celebrate'.  Oh, and we'd also have to thank my father after being made to open Christmas gifts.

So, even though in most every other area of my life I'm in a really good place, it's hard not to have that twinge of sadness, and anxiety, around events.  I am grateful, though, that I'm able to help my kids in a way my parents never helped me.  I'm so very proud of them, even when they fail because they've got support and they really will be okay.  With one exception, my siblings weren't so lucky.  Hugs to everyone.[/quote]

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