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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I am so so sorry you dealt with all of that. My issues were different-some emotional and verbal abuse, parents with mild to moderate mental health issues depending on the stress, personality disordered sibling who targetted me, then series of unhealthy relationships until I decided I must break the pattern of my childhood. I married someone kind and loving who came from a similar household to mine and wanted to break the pattern. I was sexually harassed at work early on, but I fought back filing a complaint before I left.

For me buffers helped. I had a sense of humor and a support network of friends from verbally abusive households. We vented and made fun of our dysfunctional families. I got therapy. I use exercise to deal with anger and stress.

Some things re-trigger me like dealing with eldercare issues. My parents stopped the verbal abuse by the time I was in my 20s, but it came back as dementia set in and was 100 times more frightening. I found others in the same situation and a therapist again and it helped.[/quote]

Are you me???  This was my story too.  My parents were profoundly immature and mentally unwell and I was targeted by a sibling.  I don’t feel angry although I had times in my life where I felt very sad or hopeless.  But, I’ve been fortunate too.  I was lucky to be good at school and a creative problem-Silver and persistent and used those strengths to create a safer future.  I was helped by many people and have healed a lot of the worst wounds.  There are times when I get triggered, but fewer every year and I find it easier to cope.  [/quote]

I also had emotionally immature parents who were dysfunctional, dad was an alcoholic and a mean drunk to boot.  Kind of so caught up in their own problems that they weren't there for us at all.  Lashed out about the smallest things, and life always felt very precarious.  You never knew when you were going to be attacked or why.

For me, there's a sadness that accompanies even the best moments with my own husband and children.  Over the past month, our daughter has been interviewing for her first real job, and we have role-played questions with her, helped her to research the companies where she had interviews, helped her pick out what to wear for her (zoom) interviews.  My husband is so loving and concerned about her, her stress level, etc.  I realize yet again that all of these are very normal things and yet no one ever helped me with job applications, or proofread a resume or helped me to think about how to answer questions.  My parents pretty much sent us to college and were like "You're on your own.  Good luck."

I talk to my daughters about what to look for in a spouse, and what sorts of compromises are worth making and which are not.  My parents basically told me I was too ugly and weird to ever get married.

Our dog recently died and we were there for our children, helping them to process their emotions even though they are colleged-aged.  When our family pet died, we all had to console my mother because, like always, it was all about
her.

As I parent, I realize how much I wasn't parented -- so even though I feel pretty good most of the time about the job I'm doing, I"m also aware that I had no role-models and that furthermore I wasn't parented all that well.  I do wonder what I would have been like if I had had the kinds of parents that supported me.  I think about all the job interviews that I blew, the impossibly awful relationships that I pursued, the bad career and academic decisions that I made, the bad financial
decisions I have made, and I wonder what it would have been like to have someone giving me advice and helping me to make those decisions.  All the things that I never learned because no one ever taught me.[/quote]

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