Reply to Is it weird to be a virgin after 35?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Most men are going to cheat if there’s no sex with a certain amount of time. It’s basically just a friendship. I think your bar is too high.

“You are putting the P on a pedestal” - quote from the 40 year old virgin.[/quote]

He was celibate for years before me with random hookups with women who gave oral and he received but we both thought full sex was something to be shared by 2 people who loved each other so that is why I stayed and I had low self esteem which I already said some comments back. I improved the past 2 yrs. Won't keep repeating what I already said in past comments. [b]FYI not all of us sleep with our boyfriend[/b] to quote Kris Jenner in response to Kim Kardashian saying that Everyone sleeps with their boyfriend.[/quote]

I mean...pretty much all of us 35 year olds sleep with our boyfriends. [/quote]

Op here not judging anyone by age but even my 16 yr old cousin has slept with boys without even dating them. Some of us are a little more reserved! [/quote]

I think being a 35 year old virgin goes beyond being "a little more reserved" than not having random hookups. [/quote]

Ok, so aside from your negative criticism what do you suggest? To sleep with anyone off a date app or anyone I know? [/quote]

I think you should go to therapy to figure out the root cause of your intimacy issues. Why do you place such immense importance on sex (or abstinence) and why have you not been able to find someone who you love or think you love enough to want to have sex or at least be able to let go enough to say, "this doesn't have to be forever, but it makes sense right now, so this 'risk' is worth it?" I think you need to figure out why physical intimacy is not important to you in a relationship, because it should be, or why you steer so far from it. As a PP said, you have had nearly 20 years to figure this out. Most people do over time and yes, it may involve some level of heartbreak along the way, but that is what makes us fully formed emotional partners who arrive in our 30s having worked through these issues. It's concerning that sex is both super, super important in that you have been abstinent so long and also basically not important at all because I guess once you hit some sort of emotional bar, you'll take whatever even if the sex totally blows because you don't know any better and have no expectations of a physical relationship.

I would have suggested years ago that you sleep with any of these men you had multiple year relationships with and I question why you didn't. It seems really immature and yes, weird, barring some compelling reason (religion, abuse, etc.) Now I suppose you either have to rip off the bandaid and explore a little bit, or hold out and hope you can find someone else who is equally uninterested in sex as you which, let me tell you, is not a winning combination for a long term romantic relationship. Maybe a super devout widower? I honestly struggle to even think what this dating profile would look like. If you are going to rip off that bandaid, do it with whoever you want. As my mother told me, you don't have to love each other, but you should respect each other. Find someone you feel safe with who respects you and your boundaries and go for it if that's what you want. I think after such a long time you have worked up sex to be such a major thing in your mind you don't get that it can just be...normal. And it looks different and feels different in different circumstances. Different isn't always bad and there is not one ideal. But yes, I think that a therapist would help you walk through all of that and more. [/quote]

I dont place an importance on sex. That's the thing. I think other things are important. Personality, experiences, interests, long conversations. Only been in 2 relationships. Never craved sex because I never had sex. Didn't date any during high school and college. Homeschooled and then went to a small college and then a mostly girls university. Places I worked at consisted of mostly women. So with guys I was always socially awkward. I probably do need to get help with my social awkwardness but I really just want to find a guy to date who is decent and non judgemental. Oh I also come from a culture where my mother was wealthy and sleeping with a man right away has always been low class. Mother was overprotective when I was younger about that.[/quote]

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