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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DD just turned 18 a month ago and completely did a 360 on us. 1st Quarter ended with mostly As, now we have all Fs. She logs into the classes, but does nothing....does not submit homework....does not participate in class. We check her grades every couple of weeks and we can see teacher's emails pointing out she is not participating and turning in homework. She maybe spends two nights at home every week and sleeps over at her girlfriends' most of the time. There are no drugs or drinking involved. She is interested in dating an older boy (21yo), but we said she is only allowed to date her peers in HS. We did tell her she can date whomever she wants once she is in college. We're thinking about taking her car keys away, phone, access to cash. The only problem is she 18 now and there is not much we can do.  How would you approach this? [/quote]

NP who has a troubled teen who is also 18.  Here are my thoughts.  You are most likely misguided if you thing that there are no drugs and no drinking and if you believe that she is not dating the older boy.  Also, if you have not confirmed with the parents of her friends about where she is staying, you are probably misguided if you believe she is staying with friends.  Usually, if a kid stays with you for more than a night at a time, there is conversation between the parents about it.

You are right that at 18 you can't control what she does.  You can only control you.  Personally, I would not have given my child a car if they were staying with us only about two nights a week.  So long as my kids are living with me, they can use our cars with permission and time limits.  I would most likely not take away the phone.  I did that once and it turned out badly.  Other times, the phone wasn't working so I couldn't find him and I reported him as a missing child when he didn't come home at a reasonable hour.  Losing touch with your child when they are young and troubled is terrifying and the phone is probably your only lifeline.  As far as money, I don't give my kids pocket.  They can get a job of they want that.  I give them money for a Starbucks or for the movies or whatever specific thing they want.  But, just generally giving them money isn't what we do.

My only last thought for you is that maybe if you reach out to the school counselor, they can help.  But, I wouldn't count on it changing much.  Sorry to be pessimistic.

In some ways, I think you have a harder road than I do because I never gave my kids the things you are considering  taking away.  Be prepared for a major blow up if/when you do it.

FWIW, I think that people who don't have difficult or troubled kids are quick to criticize.  It is easy to be smug, pat yourself on the back and take credit when everything goes well.  [/quote]

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