Reply to If your spouse has mental health issues that are not fully controlled

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What do you do to make life sustainable for you?  DH is fine sometimes and entirely checked out others.  I'm trying to think through all the logistical and emotional supports I can have in place so i'm no longer on the roller coaster with him.  We have 2 small toddlers, I need to no longer be so impacted when he's having a rough spell and checks out entirely for the weekend leaving me with so much more work and less fun than when he can be a normal engaged parter and spouse.[/quote]

Op, my DH has severe anxiety. He’s on meds (lots of meds) and sees a therapist as needed (saw one for 5 years weekly). Most of the time, he’s fine - anxious, but not crippling. When he’s not, I don’t want him around the kids, and I don’t want to be around, either. He gets angry, and threatens to self harm to manipulate me.

I stay because I love him, because he’s sorry after, because I truly know he can’t help the behavior. It is an illness. He’s trying. Getting angry at him is like blaming a cancer patient for being sick when they are doing everything they can to get well. I not condemning those who leave — it’s hard to live with someone when their medical condition seems to impact everything you do.

I will leave if his rages become something I can’t shield the kids from. He knows that, and usually when he feels triggered, he removes himself. If not, I remove myself and the kids. I am absolutely not leaving him in charge of the kids for 30-50% of the time — his typical low grade anxiety is well balanced when I am around, but would be a disaster on his own with the kids for days at a time.

I would recommend therapy for yourself. I used to be resentful that my DH has anxiety, I used to be angry at myself that I stayed when I saw warning signs of untreated anxiety (pre-kids), but I have honestly come to accept DH, anxiety and all. There are positive silver linings - he’s has a good career because he’s so uptight about work. He loves me and is anxious I will leave, so treats me well (anxiety aside). My DH is a good father and good person, so it is worth it to me to support him.[/quote]

What’s driving the anxiety? Is it autism?

I am in that boat. The anti anxiety meds help bring down the rages but the executive functioning def, lack of caring or thought, and poor verbal can’t really improve unless he works on it w a PhD psychologist who isn’t a flying monkey. He’s rather go be obsessed with his work or pretend he likes smart phones. [/quote]

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