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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What do you do to make life sustainable for you?  DH is fine sometimes and entirely checked out others.  I'm trying to think through all the logistical and emotional supports I can have in place so i'm no longer on the roller coaster with him.  We have 2 small toddlers, I need to no longer be so impacted when he's having a rough spell and checks out entirely for the weekend leaving me with so much more work and less fun than when he can be a normal engaged parter and spouse.[/quote]

Op, my DH has severe anxiety. He’s on meds (lots of meds) and sees a therapist as needed (saw one for 5 years weekly). Most of the time, he’s fine - anxious, but not crippling. When he’s not, I don’t want him around the kids, and I don’t want to be around, either. He gets angry, and threatens to self harm to manipulate me.

I stay because I love him, because he’s sorry after, because I truly know he can’t help the behavior. It is an illness. He’s trying. Getting angry at him is like blaming a cancer patient for being sick when they are doing everything they can to get well. I not condemning those who leave — it’s hard to live with someone when their medical condition seems to impact everything you do.

I will leave if his rages become something I can’t shield the kids from. He knows that, and usually when he feels triggered, he removes himself. If not, I remove myself and the kids. I am absolutely not leaving him in charge of the kids for 30-50% of the time — his typical low grade anxiety is well balanced when I am around, but would be a disaster on his own with the kids for days at a time.

I would recommend therapy for yourself. I used to be resentful that my DH has anxiety, I used to be angry at myself that I stayed when I saw warning signs of untreated anxiety (pre-kids), but I have honestly come to accept DH, anxiety and all. There are positive silver linings - he’s has a good career because he’s so uptight about work. He loves me and is anxious I will leave, so treats me well (anxiety aside). My DH is a good father and good person, so it is worth it to me to support him.[/quote]

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