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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t know, op, many golf widows and women who are married to husbands who work weekends have problems too, some drink too much, some have affairs, some are just nasty people.

Know too that many people married to spouses who are off doing activities separate from the family aren’t happy either.  My dad who is a senior citizen has told me stories of some of his friends (mostly men) who have said to their wives “If you go to (fill in that activity again, I won’t be here when you get back.

These activities are g-rated, it’s just that the spouse who isn’t included gets to a point where they no longer want to spend weekends alone.  These are often people who have been married for decades, often with grown kids, meaning that the spouse who is home isn’t doing childcare and has the physical freedom and the time (and the money) to go do whatever they want.,

I have every reason to believe women have similar stories, this isn’t gender specific, it’s just that I hear these stories from my dad. 
If you want to stay happily married, you need to encourage your husband to participate in family life.

I notice that you mention that he’d find a girlfriend if the two of you divorced, meaning he has the skill sets to attract  and sustain a relationship. If he can do that for some woman in the future, he can do that for you. 
He married you, meaning that he had the skill set to attract you.

I’d try to figure out what changed and why he isn’t doing everything he can to take care of you emotionally. 
I also noticed that you mention wanting to hire help, yet you begrudge him for doing the same. Why?

That doesn’t seem fair to me, and makes me wonder how you may be treating him.
Hire whatever help you’d like, t hough realize whoever you hire will need and deserve a schedule.  They won’t just show up whenever your husband goes into the basement, even if they live with you.  That era of on demmand help ended in the 1930’s. 
Finally, tell your husband what you need.  Don’t expect him to talk about it, just say “I need…” and mean it.

If the basement is what draws him, would you consider a house without a basement?  I’m being serious.

If his meds aren’t working, would he consider alternatives? Google the drummer’s high, it feels a lot like falling in love minus the sexual hormones.  It’s wonderful.  You can buy drum pads now with headphones, which probably keeps the neighbors happy but also makes me a little sad.

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Unfortunately what changed is 2 kids and his inability to cope with the added responsibilities.  I didn’t understood fully how bad his mental health issues were until we had kids and his inability to consistently care for his own children became so apparent.  I know some men are this way and view that as not their job and go out golfing, but he’s not one of them.  It’s not a matter of finding the right words or letting him sink or swim bc he will sink at the cost of our kids[/quote]

This is me -- even after 2 decades.  The best thing you can do is realize that he is not capable and act accordingly.  What specifically you do, depends to some extent on how much financial resources you have - do you hire a babysitter or find a babysitting coop, a nanny or regular help from friends, etc.?  I basically do not expect my exDH to do anything any more.  It is less exhausting than expecting him to do something and then he fails to do as promised.

Also, I recommend the NAMI Family 2 Family class.  You will find others in the same position.  [/quote]

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