Reply to If you were a stepparent who divorced, did you feel used by your spouse and stepkid(s)?

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Reply to "If you were a stepparent who divorced, did you feel used by your spouse and stepkid(s)?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I assume that OP's friend does not have kids.  Depending on how they set up their finances I do not think she would have to financially contribute in a material way.  For example, they could contribute pro rata by income to a joint account from which joint expenses are paid (i.e. food, mortgage, utilities, whatever else).  They could maintain separate accounts for their personal expenses (i.e. college funds for kids, clothes or early retirement account for OP's friend).  There will be some overlap here because obviously the kids eat food and increase utility costs but most of the expenses for the children would come from the parent.

I really doubt children would even notice this type of setup unless OP's friend makes a boatload of money and lives like a rockstar and the husband does not make much money.

I can see this being a much more difficult situation if OP's friend has more kids with the guy or if OP's friend had existing children.
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What if the stepkid's bio mom couldn't pay for things or wants more child support? What is the stepmom gonna do? I would suggest separate accounts and never conmingling their finances. Depending on how often the teens are with them, OP's friend can negotiate to pay a lower percentage of the utilities, groceries, etc. Don't contribute to mortgage unless he puts her name on the deed. Women need to be smart and know how to not get manipulated by men and kids who play the "we didn't choose you as our stepmom" card. [/quote]

I think that's exactly what I said.  If biomom wants more support she goes to the dad/husband and he can choose to pay out of his separate accounts or not.

I disagree with your statement about not contributing to the mortgage per se.  If she is living in his house she would pay him a market amount for "rent" so to speak although as a renter she would not pay for repairs/upgrades.  Or they can refinance and add her to the deed, either option can work.[/quote]

If she wants more support she needs to go to court and get it modified.  She can ask Dad to voluntarily pay more, but he can say no or offer to buy what the kids need vs. sending her money.

There are all sorts of arrangements.  Its pretty hard not to spend your money on the kids.  I had no issue buying clothing and food.  They are kids.  Its not a big deal.  [/quote]

Issues will ALWAYS crop up with stepkids. My advice is to never marry someone who has children - ever.  No matter what you wind up subsidizing those kids somehow, some way, some day.  And you WILL feel used.

My SO decided to voluntarily continue with "child" support for two years AFTER his requirement to do so. From ages 21-23  he paid it directly to his daughter.  She did not need the money as she is a trust fund baby and her education was completely paid for, as were all her other living expenses including her own apartment, utilities, car/insurance, etc.  She admittedly told us she was spending an additional $1,000 per month on "socializing" which was the amount he was paying her.

If we were married or had co-mingled finances I would have been livid. As it was, he was living in my home and paying me some "rent" as others have mentioned but it was well below what market value would have been in the DC area.  (He had been paying $2300 in rent at an apt. and paid me $750 to live in a single-family home, inclusive of all utilities including cable.)

He would not have been able to pay his DD $1,000 in party money every month if I had not, indirectly, subsidized his living expenses. Nor would he have been able to provide her the expensive gifts he gave her over the years, like overseas vacations, latest electronics, designer clothes, jewelry, etc. No surprise I still harbor resentment over that!

Point is that once someone has kids there will be issues for the rest of your life.  And many times you won't just feel used - you WILL be used.  Don't expect any thanks for it either.

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There is no reason why he shouldn't continue to support his daughter, especially if she's in school.  You sound bizarre that you don't want him to take care of her, which is what parents do.  That's not being used.  Don't have kids.  Being used is demanding money and never seeing that parent like my husband's kids did.  But, if you have a relationship with your kids, you still take care of them.  If he can afford it, why no.  The issue is he had the money and you wanted it spent on you.  You were not married.  You had no right to expect him to take care of you until marriage.[/quote]

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