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[quote=Anonymous]I think it was inappropriate. She should have reached out to her brother directly not put work/effort/blame onto the wife whose holiday it is also.

I also think that allowances can be made based on context. For example, if your SO is working some sort of crazy shift schedule or something and is especially distracted and they actually like their mom and would normally have done something without any sort of manipulation using fear, obligation, or guilt.

My DH doesn't have a great relationship with his mom. I do not remind him of anything. She and I fought bitterly for many years because she wanted me to be solely responsible for all of his relationships with every extended family member that exists and I said no, it isn't my job or responsibility.

We had several heated disagreements because she kept trying to shame me for it and wouldn't let off. "Men aren't responsible for their own relationships-that's the wife's job-and you're a miserable failure." 99.99% of the time I now ignore her messages except to tell them we aren't interested in her visiting and spending the night uninvited-again when she begins to hint.

He is an adult. His family of origin and extended fam grew up close to each other and if they don't have a relationship because they are toxic people to be around then so be it. He also doesn't enjoy his mother because she is a (diagnosed) narcissist who loves triangulating him and his siblings and unleashes a constant stream of criticism against him even though he is the most successful child-just the hardest for her to control.

If he actually cared, he'd make it a priority and set a reminder in his phone and preorder the gift. It is not my job or responsibility to facilitate their relationship. However, I WILL advocate for a phone call with his remaining grandparent who we do have a good relationship with.

I would absolutely ignore a message like that from his siblings or their SOs and wouldn't dream of bothering them, especially the day of.  I would also bluntly tell my SIL that he can manage his own affairs. Micromanaging is demeaning. [/quote]

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