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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

22:13, thank you for that correction.  I've been using the wrong acronym.

22:01, thank you for all your info.  If you are the one who made several posts on this topic in 2017, I want to thank you.  I searched the forum for hypersexuality and your posts made me feel less alone.

DH was the most risk-averse guy I've ever known, and I had no inkling he'd ever be with a man.  He still swears he has zero desire for men, that they were just easily accessible on Craigslist (he has zero game), and that he was able to mentally detach.  In fact, his emotional detachment has been an issue our entire 20-year relationship, and I suspect he's on the autism spectrum, which is something else he'll be exploring with his doctor soon.

Maybe the only glimmer of hope I can draw from your post is that his mania presents negatively.  Dysphoric instead of euphoric.  He never exhibits any of the classic signs of mania -- he's never chipper, optimistic, energetic, gung ho.  His presents as agitation, anger, impatience, irritability, and extreme anxiety.  (OH AND GAY SEX.  Surprise!  Like what the f*ck.)  So I don't think he'd have any reason to resist taking his meds.  I just wonder how effective they are.  He's been on lamotrigine, but the psych just added lithium for mania.

What about the memory loss?  I've read that can be experienced during manic periods, but it also seems really freaking convenient that he can't recall any details about his actions.  This behavior is so shocking, so risky, so nervewracking -- how does it not stick with you??  My trust is obviously gone now, so I don't know what to believe about [b]what's bipolar-related and what's just old-fashioned cheating[/b].[/quote]

I think the bold is one of the hardest aspects of living with someone with mental illness -- it becomes difficult to sort out from the outside which behaviors are triggered by the illness and which are "choice" and what degree of control the ill person has.  I spent a long time (years) learning about bipolar, journalling my DH's behavior, trying to understand the what and the why of his behavior, and waiting to see if the meds would help.  To some extent this can be "anosognosia" -- which is the idea that someone who is mentally ill may be unaware of aspects of their illness.  There is a very good book on this - "I'm not Sick; I don't Need Help."

In one way, I took the idea of in sickness and in health very seriously and thought that I had a duty to figure this out and help, just like if DH had a heart attack.  I am glad I did this to some extent, because when I finally did permanently end things, I was able to do so without a shred of doubt or what-ifs.  That was very helpful to me as I started my new life with our kids.

I think I finally came to a point where I realized that even if his behavior (especially the cheating) was entirely driven by illness, I still had a right to decide how I wanted to live my life.  Early in our dating, I made it very clear that I was only interested in a monogamous relationship/sex.  It's my body, and I have every right to set the parameters under which I consent to sex.  My ex violated those boundaries.  In the end, it doesn't really matter why, or if he wished he couldn't.  I just wasn't willing to change my parameters of consent for a sexual relationship, and I wasn't willing to live in a sexless marriage or to do an open marriage.  Maybe someone else would feel differently, but I didn't and I don't need to apologize for that.

I say that because I feel like you are spending a lot of time thinking about the why of the cheating.  Perhaps you think that if you understand why, you can more accurately gauge your risk in staying.  IME, that's a fool's errand.  You have no way of knowing whether he is telling you the truth about what he did and why.  You only know the facts -- that you got an STD and the only way you could have gotten it is from him.  So, you know that he cheated on you in some way.  You also have no way of predicting whether he will stay on meds or be receptive in the future to medical help.  People with bipolar don't need a "reason" to stop taking meds.  It's an aspect of illness.

Your decision is pretty simple -- do you want to live in a relationship where you know that is always a possibility?  If so, on what terms will you proceed -- finances, legalities, open/closed marriage, sex/sexless, etc.  If not, then OK, the answer is divorce.  The one caveat for you, I think, is to be absolutely sure that your choice is truly consensual and not colored by any disempowerment you may feel as a result of your disability and your perception that you need a caretaker.  You might want to work with a therapist to address that and have a neutral person who can help reality test and problem solve aspects of disability.

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