Reply to The impossiblity of mothering

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Let me preface this by saying I'm a single mom, so I can't divvy up the various aspects of parenting.

My concept of 'mothering' is nurturing, loving, being accepting, teaching how to be a good person in the world, teaching how to grow into a happy adult, etc. Also providing for their food, clothing, shelter, etc, which I enjoy. That's what I signed on for. I have a hard time with being the disciplinarian but I accept that I have to do it, and I do. I'm just having a really hard time figuring out how to do both of those things at once -- to be the disciplinarian and also be loving and warm and '[b]there for you no matter what,[/b]' nurturing a good bond, etc.

One of my kids has never been phased with any punishments, anger, consequences natural or imposed by me, loss of privileges, meetings with teachers -- nothing phases him. Since he was old enough for a 'time out' he has made it clear that any consequence is just the price he has to pay to do or get what he wants, and in addition to that, he feels sorry for himself for having them instead of sorry for what he did. Talking means nothing -- I can see he's either waiting for me to stop talking about it, or pretending to be sorry so we can all move on. He's like a con artist. He has no respect for being the kind of person I am trying to teach my kids to be. I love this kid and have gone to bat for him multiple times over the years in various settings, and [b]he knows I'm in his corner no matter what.[/b] However, I no longer think that is helping him be a good person. It hasn't helped in any way to give him my undying devotion and commitment.

This kid crossed a line, and I crossed a line in my response to what he did. I have forgiven him so many times I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I have to let go of my warm fuzzy ideas of being a mother, completely and totally, to keep this kid out of jail when he grows up.

Seems like a sad choice.....

[/quote]

I am one of five kids, and my mother was a tough cookie.  I know that she loved us and really did so much for us throughout our lives.  She was really a great mom.

HOWEVER.  We all knew that if we did something really wrong, she would be there with the warden locking our jail cell.  She would always be our mom, but we knew that if he did something really wrong, she was not going to step in and save us from consequences.

I'm not sure how she instilled this in us, but I feel from what you say above that maybe in your desire to be nurturing you give him the impression that consequences aren't that serious and you will rescue him when he really gets in trouble.  I think you might want to examine more closely how you convey these messages.[/quote]

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