Reply to How to deal with family member who plays victim ALL THE TIME

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP seems to be only answering the financial stuff and not the relationship stuff.  In one post, she seems to think since the ASD diagnosis was 12 years ago, things should be fine now (ASD is forever and it is hard to raise a child with ASD no matter their age or how long you have known).  She doesn’t answer how much the ex is in SIL’s life or their children’s. She also doesn’t answer what relationships she and DH have with their nephew and other niece/nephew (we have no knowledge on gender or age) and what they have done to promote those relationships.

I think this should be in the Money forum and not the Family Relationships forum.[/quote]

No, I think this should be in Family Relationships because SIL is using her son's autism diagnosis as a reason to guilt trip her family into giving her money even though she makes $250K/year herself.

She would never lay a guilt trip like that on anyone else, just family.  [/quote] Maybe SIL really needs the emotional help, but OP and DH are not doing that, so she settles for the financial help (to be able to throw money at the emotion bit). [/quote]

[b][/b]What makes you think we haven’t shown any empathy or provided emotional support? [b]We have. Unfortunately as far as the in-laws dynamic is concerned, daughter in laws are always going to lose. No matter what they do for their husbands family it’s never enough, never right. There is expectation to keep giving and never receive, there is expectation that they can mistreat you since you are like family and families fight and it doesn’t mean anything but at the same time there is also expectation to keep things from you and exclude you from conversations since you are not really family. Sometimes I wonder if I had known how manipulative my in-laws were would I have still married my DH?[/quote] You have only given examples of financial support.  How often do you see your nephew and his sibling?  How often do they come to your house?  Have they ever stayed overnight without SIL?  Are you active in any of their interests? do you attend any of their “events” (sports games, concerts, recitals...)?  Do you have any sort of relationship with them beyond their mother?   [/quote]

Nope. Never attended any of the events cause we were never asked to. She has never attended any of our kids events either. It’s just a weird relationship[/quote] So you have never tried to establish a relationship with them and be there for them (not SIL).  You do NOT need to be invited to be in their lives as an Aunt and Uncle. [/quote]

It’s not a normal relationship. Everything has always revolves around SIL and her kid. She doesn’t like to come to our house because she said it makes her feel bad when she looks at our kids. She never ever discusses her problems with me or infront of me. She says she isn’t comfortable around me. Makes it really hard to provide emotional support in this case. [/quote]

Well she can't bristle around you and avoid you and then blame you for never being there for her.  It sounds like she's taking her frustrations out on the nearest punching bag (unfortunately you).  It is NOT your fault.  And there is nothing you can do.  Honestly, you've got to watch bringing your kids around her because she does seem to resent them.  She's only human, true.  But your kids have done nothing wrong.  Neither have you.

She needs therapy and/or she needs to find an Autism support group to talk her issues out with. [/quote]

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