Reply to Excessively dependent mother still completely helpless months after dad's death

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Obviously there is a to of resentment from OP and sister towards mom. I get that though if mom was never able to be involved really in parenting given her inability to do anything independently, that is going to leave scars.

I think you have to be careful though to not take that resentment out on her now that she is vulnerable and OP and sister have control over her life and her finances. Since mom can't make decisions, OP and sister are making them all for her but through a lens of being very frustrated and hurt by having had a helpless parent.

I think you need a neutral party here - maybe an adult social worker who can help advocate for what mom needs, what her limits and abilities are, what reasonable expectations are, what supports she needs and that person can stay in regular contact to see how she is doing.

There is no way Op and sister can be that person given their anger and resentment and disappointment in their mother as a person, a wife, a mother etc. it would be better for them to step back from the decision making and just visit and be her daughters and have someone else who doesn't have financial interest or childhood hurt / pain be her advocate.[/quote]

OMG.  The woman has been there for TWO weeks and her dutiful daughters are in regular contact with Mom.  Give the woman time to adjust to her new environment before you start berating the way Op and her sister are handling things.  You sound just perfectly awful, tbh.  [/quote]

Op says (top of page 2)
"My sister is very angry as well. We just paid $1300 to move my mother to the new apartment, and my sister took two additional days off from work to help set the place up. I arrived a few days later, after shopping for all her new needs, and completed the job, including hanging up pictures."

They are both angry with their mother. They are resentful of having "helped" her (not based on moms wants) and are upset they gave time and energy to their mother. They are very resentful. It isn't clear if they are paying for moms accommodations or if mom has her own money.

You give someone something they don't want and then get mad they don't immediately like it and act appreciative. That isn't the sign of someone who can be an advocate. These two women have decades of anger and resentment. It may be justifiable if mom has always just been a helpless passive figure - but it doesn't make them good advocates. [/quote]

What Op and her sister are going through right now is VERY frustrating.  It is also VERY typical - especially in the first few weeks of placing an elderly parent in a new environment.

You do not seem to have much, if any, experience with this.  All I can tell you is that your judgement is really harsh and uncalled for.[/quote]

NP.  As someone who is going through something similar with MIL (though to a much lesser degree), agree 100%.  OP and her sister are doing a great job (and it's agree you two seem to be on the same page and working well together, that is not always the case).  What they've proposed is very reasonable.  What their mother has proposed (paying hundreds of thousands to be waited on hand and foot or for OP and her sister to drop their lives (jobs, kids) to wait on her hand and foot when she is capable) is not.  GL, OP.[/quote]
OP here, and thank you. And thank you to the other posters for their encouragement.

That poster upthread castigating me is clueless. She doesn't know the half of it. And as far as Mom needing an advocate, she talked to the hospice social worker last week, after she had been in the new apartment only one week, telling her that her daughters are neglecting her. How do I know this? Because the social worker called me on the phone and said that the three-day-weekend visits are not enough for my mother, and my sister and I need to alternate longer visits. When I said that is impossible given my own responsibilities, she told me that my that my mother's needs come first. She actually told me to do "whatever my mom wants." (Hospice is helping my mother because she feels she has someone to help her get her "neglectful" daughters to pay more attention, but it is adding more angst for me and my sister.)

And I agree. It makes no sense to move my mother back into assisted living, with people with strokes and who can't speak or walk or even use the bathroom on their own, because she can't wants someone to adjust the shower temperature an change the channel - and at a cost of well over $100,000 a year. The day will come one day, I suspect, when she DOES need assisted living, but not now.

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