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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate all of you, because your plain speaking, thoughtful, strategic, BTDT and don't-give-a-damn-about-OP's-first-world-problem perspectives was what I needed today.  DCUM came through for me on this one!

Finances -
- We are OK.  Not super wealthy, but comfortably UMC.  Retirement and college is squared away.  DH's job is secure and we are also heavily insured. No prenup, solid marriage, low overheads, joint everything. (IRA from the years I have worked, and my own modest inheritance has remained in my own name for years).

DH's motivation -
- Since, I am highly educated and walked away from my job for my family, he wants me to fulfill any dreams that I may have put aside. He is extremely supportive and has done everything to make this easier for me.  Money is not the objective for him. If I want to paint for leisure, he is happy for me. I think, what he wants to avoid dealing with is me curling into a ball and bawling when the kids leave.

Kids motivation - 
- They are super responsible and troopers.  They want me to do this if I LOVE it.  They have assured me that they will manage and have taken over a whole lot of stuff in my absence during the summer break. We will see how it works during school year. I suspect they will need me more. They are ok with whatever I choose - work, volunteer or just stay at home.

My motivation -
Unfortunately,  I am being motivated by negative feelings that has come from my own thought process, and not from any external source.    
- Sadness - All my kids will leave home at the same time. Can I find something to fulfill me similarly?
- Apprehension - Can I get a job at my age? Can I earn a living? No one is going to hire a SAHM who has been home for so many years. 
- Internal bullying - Everyone  makes sacrifices to work. Why should I be the special snowflake who is spared? 
- Shame - People are unemployed and I am rejecting a job that fell in my lap. What if I had no choice and had to be the breadwinner?
- Greed - What if this job becomes something more? It could fill in the gaps in my resume.
- Fear - If I leave, people will think I could not hack it in real world.

My challenges at work stem from multiple things happening at the same time, as posters have pointed out -
- New job. It takes many months to stop feeling uninformed. The workday is challenging also because I am on high alert all the time and trying to figure things out. 
- Lack of practice. Yup, many years of not working in the corporate world is kicking my butt. It is a huge change for me.
- Playing catch-up.  With technology, acronyms, and being in a completely new industry that is technical and my past experience does not match up with it in any shape or form.  
- Hours. This is more than a full time job. This is not what I envisioned. The work does not end at the office. It has taken over my weekends. 
- Commute. I am not doing well at all with this. I have already worked remotely some days and what it has translated to is me working longer hours from home. I have started putting in 10 hours at home without moving from my desk to catch up. No wonder they love me!

Why this job is wrong for me - 
- Mental toll. I hate that so much of my mind space is being occupied by this job. It was not meant to take over my life.
- Physical toll. My self-care has deteriorated significantly. I am exhausted. 
- Toll on the family, on home. I am wracked with guilt that my home, kids, garden, charity, relationships and mom are being neglected. I have spent years tending to them and I am letting it all slip away at the crucial last years. 
- Nature of work -  Nothing about the work I am doing is interesting,  familiar or worthwhile. It is stressful and completely uninspiring. I did not lie in the resume. I told them that I have not worked for x years. They must have been desperate and no one wanted to do this work. They have hobbled together several jobs that no one was doing/wanted  and made it into one. 
- Office environment -  It is pretty much an isolating job. I do not have the time to meet people. People are not impolite or unfriendly.  The feedback I have been given through another person is that they like me a lot!  :shock: I really wonder why?  They are perfectly fine people and perfectly polite. I just do not have much interaction with them.

Bottom-line -
I was very happy being the caretaker to my family.  I still have this role for the next 4 years. After that,  I want a job/occupation/charity/hobby that can give me similar levels of fulfillment. This job is not it. I will send in my notice and  resignation letter this week. I will complete the assigned tasks and that will be it for me.

Using different voices, I have read your valuable replies aloud to my family today.  They crack up when I use the exasperated voice and  read "OMG, JUST Q-U-I-T",  and they become very quite when they hear different POVs from both SAHMs and WOHMs.  Your voices are actually the voices that have been in my head for some time now. I know what I gain and lose in both roles - SAHM or WOHM - because there are trade-offs in any role. No option gives you all that you want.

We are blessed to be financially secure, so I am going to start from that. Health needs to be prioritized, because kids are not settled yet, and DH is not  yet retired. [u]I need to start the job search when I am mentally ready to do so, and do something that I enjoy[/u].  I liked the idea of another pp, about looking into part time positions with organizations I volunteer with. I can absolutely monetize it if I need to.  Thank you for that.

To all the women out there - WOHMs and SAHMs - thank you! You have taken the time to respond to my vent and it has helped me a lot.  [/quote]

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