Reply to Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job"

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Reply to "Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, thanks for posting that article. It's really interesting and as someone who has "mommy-tracked" myself, I can relate to that.  My husband did take a year off from work once when I wanted to jump start my career.  He was great and truly 'leaned in' with a great attitude and really relished being the only dad at pre-school events, etc.  But he did say it wore on him - he was a novelty and an "amazing" dad for doing what moms do every day.  Your husband would have to be very comfortable in his skin to put up with what dads put up with being the default parent and it sounds like he's just not up for that.  I wish more were - but sounds like your husband doesn't want to be the trailblazer in your social circle in that regard.

I will also say that I took some time off from work when the kids were little and I "should" have done a lot of things around the house, but  it's a hard job and there were non-urgent things around keeping our house organized that I just found difficult and draining emotionally.  So I can relate to him not wanting to do some of the things you think he should do.

A lot of the above posts are talking about what your husband should do because he earns less.  Like you, I don't think that's the issue.  If he made a quarter of what he makes but it was more demanding but ultimately fulfilling for him, then that would be a different story.

The reality is, he is "leaning out" by being home more with the kids - dinner, bedtime, etc.  And it sounds like he values downtime and may need that to re-charge.  There should clearly be some kind of compromise but I think it's unrealistic to expect that he's going to change dramatically and be the Type A person making all those things happen.

I know you are resentful that you are not sleeping enough and doing much more, but there are some of those things you can outsource.  There are some areas where you two need to talk more - he can't *just* do what he enjoys. But he can't feel like you are bossing him around and that he has no sense of agency and control in his life.

Good luck.  It's a tough problem you have but ultimately there are a lot of choices and options you have and hopefully the two of you will find something that works for you both.[/quote]

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