Reply to Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job"

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
How do I get over this? How do other people manage if you are in this position?

P.S. We do have help, because I know that's coming - but they need to be managed and micro-managed, or else stuff doesn't get done.

P.P.S. My job is not the kind that would allow me to just, work less. If I want to be successful at what I do I need to work the same kind of hours or tone it down so substantially that it would be a very different job.[/quote]

I have several male co-workers married to woman with intense/well compensated careers.  I’ve noticed that that the moms don’t opt out of child rearing the way it would still be socially acceptable for a high earning guy to do.  Not sure how much is that the mom wants to be involved and how much is the husband doesn’t want to be the default parent.

So with that I would say
 - they all had an au pair or nanny plus often the wife’s parents nearby
- most of the time regardless of who earns what, the wife drives the social calendar unless they are doing a couples activity I.e. line dancing, tennis, season tickets to a sporting event, or it’s that kind of neighborhood where families/couples all hang out together ...but this assumes you have that kind of time with your job and can get a babysitter
 - you get the kids activities to the bare minimum that DH is WILLING to do and what you feel strongly enough about to clear YOUR schedule to do.  Gender and activity may play a role as well.  So if you want your kids in Girl Scouts (where typically moms are planning/volunteering for the activities), you find a troop where DH just has to know where and when to drop off and YOU volunteer enough to do your fair share on weekends.  If you want to be involved in the PTA, pick the one thing that works with your schedule to volunteer or hard pass.
- vacations - beach/little planning and return to same rental every year or all inclusive/resort if your DH doesn’t plan vacations 
- for appointments, shopping for clothes etc, talk with DH how he wants to handle the schedule.  If he is fine with reminders/calendar invitations you can use technology to make it easier- set up recurring appointments for the chore/item that pops up on his calendar.  Have your nanny/au pair to assist.
- The only thing for from the list of mental load that was really not optional or amenable to outsourcing or using technology to make it easier was keeping on top of the medicine and appointments for your child with special needs.  Most of the couples I know with the wife with high powered career, the dad IS the first point of contact for the school if the child is sick etc.  IMO that was the only thing that I would say we go to counseling if we can’t work this out.  That can be a life or death situation if there is an issue with the medication.

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics