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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Can you have an upfront conversation with your daughter?

Just say what you said here: we love you and support you, and to be honest we are struggling with how to handle sleepovers. We trust you, but we don't feel comfortable having someone stay at the house if there will be sexual activity. Can you help us navigate this?

Involve her in figuring out boundaries. If you trust her, then let her know you trust her. If you don't,  then that's another story.

[/quote]

Sure, this sounds great, and there's never anything wrong with engaging your teens in a mature conversation. But to set this up as a "I trust you/I don't trust you" is going about it the wrong way. I do trust my teenagers to be as honest with me as they can AT THE TIME. What I'm less sure about is their judgment in the heat of the moment. Sexual feelings at this age are incredibly powerful. My teens can be perfectly level-headed and tell me that they know what their boundaries are. They will be telling me the truth. But I also know that they have developing brains and can make impulsive decisions in the moment. They may not be able to anticipate all the factors that will impact their decision-making.

That's why it's my job as a parent to set boundaries and guardrails for them. Yes, we can and absolutely should talk together. But at the end of the day, if I do put up some boundaries because I think my kid may struggle in a situation, it's not because I don't trust them and think they will willfully lie. It's that I know they might not have the maturity to handle a situation. [/quote]

This PP is the smartest one on this thread.

It isn't about trust at all. YOU have been a teen...they have not. You KNOW (or you *should* know) that teens brains are still developing...that the judgment center isn't fully developed until 25...and that impulsive decisions based on what feels good at the moment basically defines what it means to be an adolescent. They can very sincerely intend to stick to the boundaries you (and they) set. And definitely talking about it in advance helps them to pre-process what that might look like and may assist them in figuring out what to do and where to draw the line in the moment...but you need to help your child navigate the temptations that they don't even know exist. This is where your expertise as a btdt former teen lies. This is exactly why teens still need parents.[/quote]

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