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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for all the input and advice.

Yes, I know divorced men as a category are not bad. I just also know that I don't want to invest in someone I met online if I don't know who they are as a person first. My ex presented as a solid man, with a value set, family, etc. Turns out all was a lie. He's easily bored. He needed the world to worship him. Every act I committed was a sin against him. My hair wasn't shiny today? I insulted him. I didn't sweep before he came home? I'm a bad wife. What I now realize is that there was quite a bit of mental abuse in his background. His whole family lives a lie, not uncommon for people like them without saying more. But, he presents so well. No one would know.

I understand the value of working on myself, I've never stopped.

As for my friend, she's a great person. I'm glad she's happy. I don't think it's a facade. I think for those posters trying to compare us, or telling me to be like her, or the one who told me her husband is my "sole" mate, I don't think like you do. I have no desire to steal someone else's husband, even if he was my soul-mate. I have no desire to compete with people like my friend or be more like someone else. There's always room for improvement, I'm a good person. I volunteer, I donate my time and money, I'm kind, I'm a good friend, I'm intelligent, I could have a better career, be richer, etc. But so can anyone. I was a good wife. I was available to him emotionally, physically and sexually. But none of it mattered when the next shiny thing came along.

I get many men aren't like that, but I also have friends, and know many men are. Anyway, I think I got what I could from this. Thanks for all the input. [/quote]

OP, how long did it take for you to realize that "all was a lie"?  How long did you know your ex before you married him?

I'm concerned by you saying "I just also know that I don't want to invest in someone I met online if I don't know who they are as a person first."  I mean, how do you expect to know who a person is before you take the time to get to know them?  How do you expect to get to know them without "investing" in them?  That is what dating is.  Dating is getting to know someone and seeing them in a variety of situations over a period of time.  Seeing how they react to a stressful situation.  Seeing how they react to a time that you are in need/stressed out.  Seeing how they treat their family, neighbors, wait staff, animals, children, and of course YOU.  There is no one place you can be sure of meeting "good" guys, and there is no checklist of attributes that will assure you that you have met a kind, trustworthy, honest, dependable person.  The only way to know if a person who is all those things is to invest time in getting to know them.  When you experience things that show you the person is not kind, trustworthy, honest, dependable, caring, then you stop investing time in them.  This can work for friends just as well as for potential romantic partners.  And you can get to know people first before entering into a romantic relationship.  But if you want to know someone well before dating then you need to cultivate friendships and activities where you meet and get to know new people.  [/quote]

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