Reply to When my DW has an AP and denies it, should I just take the kids and go?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]After finding out 3 months ago by red flags that my DW was in an extra marital affair, I confronted her.  Our marriage wasn't perfect with both of us having full time jobs and 4 kids.  She came home one day and said "I love you but I am not in love with you." She asked for space and I said ok. Unfortunately, my DW was acting completly out of character.  I found out she had 2 cellphones and now very possessive of them. The craziest part is that I permitted her to take 2 of our kids to visit her family a few weeks back and one of my sons let me know that my DW spent 3 days at a resort.  My wife lied directly to her parents and just left our kids.  It was clear after pulling credit card reciepts, verifying some excursions from the paper work I found, and the topper of all, she bought this AP a laptop but she tells me it was for her.

The lies have to stop.  The negative impact is getting worse and I am concern of the message she is sending to our children with this behavior.  I thought I can overcome this behavior but now unsure who my DW is.  Friends tell me she is going through a mid life crsis but she needs therapy.  My DW has been passive aggressive out of the blue and it continues like clock work. Worst of all is that she has checked out of the home life.  I have been doing everything.

Any thoughts?  I am just tired of her crap and I still cannot believe she is acting without any regards for consequences. [/quote]

If I were you, I would pre-emptively separate.  Set up your household, get a preliminary custody schedule. She wants space, let her have a real taste of what it would feel like. Not her idea of having space (everything remains as it is and she comes and go as she pleases while everyone is waiting for her), but the reality of living on her own.

Then, if you decide, proceed with divorce.

Do not talk her into anything. If she's the one pulling away, don't ask her to stay, don't say "if you can leave if you have therapy etc.".  The general rule is if someone wants to go, let them go.  [/quote]

This is OP.  Thank you for the insight.  My DW believes in her mind that I have no proof of her affair. Even with pictures of her and AP together, including his name, she is in denial.  She told me to move out now.  I will be talking to a lawyer this week.  I just do not know who she is anymore, and she just lies.   [/quote]

It doesn't matter what she tells you. You don't have to do what she says.

Get documented proof of the affair, you will need it.

Definitely do talk to a lawyer.

You have my sympathies. Your life has been upended.  Don't do anything rush.[/quote]

I understand OP.  My XW was having an affair with a guy she met because as she told me - "She was not emotionally involved with me so there is no regrets with the affair.  The AP and her are 'In Love".  The future looks great."   My XW was using her work cellphone and email to keep her affair a secret, including using cash from our joint bank account to buy trips with her AP.  She would stay out late during the weekdays then she started spending the weekends (specific days) saying she was with her friends.  She even bought herself new clothes, panties and began to shave her private hair.  The affair came out when she was going to spend sometime with her girlfriend on a Saturday night and did not show up.  When her friend called me, I located where the phone was by GPS and drove to her location.  Anyways, it was clear what my XW was doing.  Sad and difficult but that garbage needed to be thrown out.

Based on what you describe, the signs of infidelity were there but you nor I  caught them early.  For me, my XW fit to a tee the following signs of having an affair.  She became emotionally distant and withdrawn as she became self-absorbed and living as if she was single.  The unfaithful spouse became angry, critical and even at times cruel. And the real sign was the issue of "control."  The XW insisted that I give her more space, that I stop smothering her, and give her room to breathe.  The cruelest of all to begin an extra marital affair when the illness of the one who is faithful.  The classic sign of paying extra close attention to their appearance, buying new clothes, losing weight, extra primping, and working out at the gym.  Showing more energy and zeal for life, doing things they've never done before or a sudden interest in a new hobby or sport.  Another one is becoming inappropriately defensive when asked questions.  Lastly, obsessive need for 'private ness' and staying up late at night to work on the computer.  My XW would tell me it's none of your business.  I'm entitled to my privacy.

I really thought she had a mental break down.   She was a good person but unsure if marriage and kids was for her.  My family is still in shock about her conduct and her family only knows that there we divorced.  She did not have the guts to tell her parents and family of the true reason that the marriage failed and what she was doing to our family and kids.  You will be ok OP but do see an attorney and take care of yourself and the kids.  Your DW is a pathological liar and should seek therapy.  It seems your DW is a narcissist, selfish, manipulative, and abusive.

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