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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I met my BF through work.  We were friends for a year and after I found another job we stayed in touch.  After that we dated for a few months and became BF/GF 6 months ago.  It's serious and we have met each others friends and family.  There are currently no plans to live together and marriage is something way down the line.  I am very happy with him except I see one major red flag.  His family is still close with his ex wife and they don't even have children.  They divorced 3 years ago and did not part on good terms but she still kept in touch with his family.

I am not a jealous person and don't want to be controlling but this dynamic gets on my last nerve.  What makes it even worse is that she moved away after the divorce and she moved back and everyone is now living in the same city.  BF's identical twin brother posts pictures of her on his social media when they go clubbing together with their group of friends.  His parents have dinner with her.  I know of 2 instances and she has been back in town less than a month.  I realize she has been gone a long time and everyone is happy to see her but I don't want this woman in my orbit.  I asked my BF if this bothers him and he said no.  He said he knows it might be awkward but he can't control his brother and parents.  They have their own separate relationship with her that does not involve him.  Here is the part that really upset me.  He told me not to make an issue of it with his parents and brother.  It would only make them mad and they will never give up their relationship with his ex wife for my sake and I will have to get use to it.

This really bothers me but I have been told point blank not to bring it up and get use to it.  For the first time in our relationship I am having second thoughts about our relationship.  I keep asking myself what am I getting myself into.  I have never even met this woman and she is already causing trouble just by being around.  Any advice?[/quote]

OP, I'm divorced and I'm still on great terms with my ex's family. Ex and I also have a child together, but for the purposes of this post, I don't think that really matters.

We were married. We spent holidays and vacations together. We attended funerals together. We have a lot of shared history. My ex's sister and I in particular have a lot of shared history and a lot in common. When my ex and I divorced, if his family had been awful and not close, I could absolutely have let those relationship die on the vine, even with the child that we share. I did not do that because we are real people with years of relationship.

Several years after we got divorced (so several years during which his parents sent me birthday cards and took me to breakfast with DD when they were in town and any number of other extended family things), my ex started dating someone like you. She felt, as you seem to, that her budding relationship with these people was threatened by my existing relationship with them. She asked him to tell them (and me) that she didn't feel comfortable with us socializing, being friends on social media, etc. Apparently, her perspective was that if I wanted to stay in touch with his family, I should have stayed married to him and that they were showing disloyalty to my ex in communicating with me at all. This approach made her look childish, petty, and very insecure.

You are entitled to your feelings about this woman, but keep them to yourself and work past them. You brought it up to your husband and he straight up shut you down. If their relationship ended badly and his family continues to prioritize a relationship with her, what that tells me is that your boyfriend's conduct during the divorce was egregious enough that his family maybe was not entirely on his side. That is the red flag here, not who his mom and brother are friends with.

If you want this relationship to succeed, you need to build relationships with these people on your own. Right now, you are a girlfriend of 6 months. They don't care how long you worked together or dated before you became his actual girlfriend. That's not relevant for them. If you are around long enough, you will earn the right to exclude her from events. For example, if they invite her to Thanksgiving dinner and you're not there, it doesn't matter. Build your own relationship and make them want to hang out with you. [/quote]

Actually having a child together does matter. It means that on some level, you'll be family to your ex-husband's family forever through your DD. And I don't care what any of my kids does wrong in a relationship - I'm on their side. If one of my kids behaved very poorly, then I would help them get to a happier place, not keep their ex around as a punishment.

Also, there's a difference between being friendly and having the occasional breakfast together, with your daughter/ their grandchild and the ex-wife and her former BIL going out on the town together when they no longer have a shared relative.

Now that I've typed this out, any chance the ex-wife is secretly dating OP's BF's brother?[/quote]

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