Reply to women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]i tried unsuccessfully to get DH to do some of these tasks, i tried to be hands off and not micromanage him, but what ended up happening was that he did not take care of any of the camp forms for the summer and we lost our spot in one of the camps. Some bills went unpaid, doctors appointments missed, homework and projects not completed. I ended up realizing that he is not going to be an equal partner in this regard, so I shifted more kid related tasks to him,  like putting them to bed, driving them to school. I also started doing more things that relax me to de-stress. Yoga daily, massage weekly, etc [/quote]

I think this is a good plan and it's what I do with my husband - don't expect him to do anything that requires planning or research because he will forget. Instead, write down all of the tasks that are done (including school forms, summer camp planning, etc.), and show him the list with his name beside half of the tasks. These tasks will be the ones that he CAN'T forget because they're physical and must be done. For instance, I buy all family birthday gifts, my husband unloads the dishwasher. I interface with our nanny and remember to pay her, my husband gets the toddler out of the crib and changes her diaper each morning.

My experience with my husband has been that he doesn't think a lot of the social/emotional work that I do is valuable - he views it more like a hobby. As if I like to research camps or buy birthday gifts for his parents. [b]So it's been an uphill battle to get him to remember to do any of these tasks. It's as if he waxed the car every weekend, and thought that was really important, and then was upset when I didn't do it. You can't make someone want to perform tasks that they see little value in.[/b]

Counseling has also helped us have a safe space to discuss these issues. It's a lot less heated to save up my grievances and discuss them twice a month with our marriage counselor, rather than unload on him in the moment.

Remember that we're just one-two generations into this whole working mom thing, and it's a learning curve for everyone. Good luck to you.[/quote]

Spot on.  I will add that having my DH willingly handles many physical tasks like driving most of sport carpools, coaching one of the sports, pickup every afternoon, making dinner for the kids ..this balances out a lot of the planning tasks I take on that he has no interest in doing.  There are certain time I’ve been overwhelmed like we just had a basement remodel due that was promoted by water damage so I needed a break for home planning and then out AC died.  I asked DH if he could handle it because I had new responsibilities at work plus lots of stuff with the kids.  BTW since my schedule is more flexible like I can leave early and work from home, I am usually the one that is home for the contractor windows.

Wanted to add like a PP mentioned for me a lot of this planning is a burden because it doesn’t come easy to me.  To stay employed and do a great job at work, I use a lot of energy to keep myself on track and focused so when I get home I really don’t want to think of the 3-4 actions and deadlines I have for the kids class, school, or activities.  My mid year resolution is to reduce this.  Have less activities to coordinate, have my teenage kids take responsibility for replying to the things that they can, not taking on any formal volunteer roles with their school etc.,[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics