Reply to Has anyone's marriage successfully overcome domestic violence?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For those still following this thread, any experience (in your own life, as a prosecutor, what have you) of things changing once the abuser is sober? I realize that DH is an alcoholic, he knows it too. Our marriage counselor has helped us identify a lot of reasons why we believe both act (and react) the way we do. Therapy has also helped me recognize that while the physical violence hasn’t happened in a while, and is infrequent, he is still violent. I never considered throwing things to be so bad, I thought, at least he’s not coming after me. But that is still out of control, and I recognize we can’t continue like this. We have kids and I can’t ignore the damage this is doing this them any longer. But could reconciliation be possible and/or wise to consider if he were sober? Almost every incident I can think of, he was drinking. He started going to AA, he knows he needs help. Could it ever improve?[/quote]

In my experience being partnered with someone in recovery (14 years sober and active in AA), sobriety changes just about everything.  My partner was never abusive nor even unkind to anyone when an active alcoholic, but his sobriety has changed the way he engages with the world in fundamental ways.  He used to be arrogant, resistant to input about how he affected people or how he was hurting himself, and closed off to any kind of problem solving about his troubled youth apart from self-medicating with alcohol and excessive hours at work.  He was always a gentle and fiercely loyal person, but his personality traits and drinking were destructive.  He's 180-degrees different now. Humble (in AA speak right-sized), realistic, communicative, successfully dealing with underlying issues, profoundly interested in other people's points of view.

That being said, sobriety doesn't only mean not taking a drink for a certain amount of time.  It means active, daily, lifelong work in recovery.  AA isn't just a way to avoid taking one drink.  It's a series of habits of mind, ways to live and interact, and moral frameworks into which a wide variety of destructive behaviors just won't fit.

A person who is not only *not drinking* but is actively committed to sobriety and recovery will be very different than when they were an untreated alcoholic.  Whether underlying rage or violence goes away isn't something in my experience.  I'm not in Al Anon but you should look into it.   People there will know a lot about this. [/quote]

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