Reply to Has anyone's marriage successfully overcome domestic violence?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
PP back again.  I don't know exactly.  Probably some combination of misogyny, control issues, and good old fashioned "not being wired right."  My ex was Ivy-educated, had a great job, and came from a decent family with no history of abuse.  [b]I'm entirely convinced that he was just wired wrong.[/b][/quote]
People often don't want to hear it, but I agree with your statement. Some people seem to be overly reactive from birth.[/quote]
I think there could be some truth to this. I had an abusive ex-BF. I left him as soon as it became physical, but in retrospect it had been emotional for a while.

In his case, he was diagnosed with BPD. I learned later that he had previously been violent once with another LT GF and even with his mother when he was a young teen. He was super smart, Ivy-league educated, and really gentle and kind day-to-day. I'm not saying that as a gaslighting victim, that's how his friends would describe him. I was first tipped off to his issues when he got so angry in a silly conversation with him, me, and a mutual (male) friend that he ended yelling at both of us and walking out...but I somehow stuck around longer. I did know about the BPD dx, and I think he sometimes used that as an excuse for how he treated people. But in retrospect, a really close friend's mom has treated BPD, and she's never been violent (the friend is so close there's no way she wouldn't have told...she tells me everything else that's hard/wrong in her life). My DH definitely can have a temper, but he deals with it in a very healthy way that is never scary or directed at me. I know he gets angry at things I wouldn't, but I've never for a second been scared of DH. So I think it's not just anger issues, per se, but they can probably play a role.

Honestly, ex-BF understands his issues, but he's tried lots of therapy and medication...and it just seems to be a pattern he repeats over-and-over with women in his life that he cares about. He's married now, and I sometimes wonder about how he treats his wife. I don't have any direct contact with him anymore, but I know a little about him through mutual friends. It's not coming across in this post, but there is nothing about him that would make you even suspect he could be an abuser from the outside, though. It's really insidious.[/quote]

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