Reply to "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage"

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Reply to ""the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Disagree with the quote.  I agree with the idea that no one is 100% guilty and no one is 100% innocent, but in an affair scenario the cheating spouse has a severely compromised moral compass.  The other spouse may be depressed, ill, poor at communicating, but two wrongs don't make a right.  You should have learned that in elementary school.

[b]If your marriage is bad, END IT.  Don't cheat.[/b]  [/quote]

I love these platitudes!  There is no "I" in team!

Back to the real world, when there are children, and school districts, and families with health issues, and health insurance issues, and economic considerations, 401ks, the idea of "just end it!" is totally meaningless.

It's far, far less messy to just find a way to get discreet needs met outside the marriage, if sex is the only issue.  The idea you need to blow up your kids world as the go to response is backwards.  Keep your family intact, go do what you need to do if your spouse becomes unwilling to do it.[/quote]

Since you think Esther is so wise do you also know that she says... "it isn’t our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become"

Most people have affairs because they realize they sort of suck as a husband/wife/father/cook/etc that goes along with being a "family". So they go hide from it and try to become somebody else for a short period of time. People have affairs because they know they are a failure in their own lives, they don't like themselves.

Is she so wise now?[/quote]

NP here. I'm extensively familiar with her work, and that is a mischaracterization of her what she is saying. That subgroup of cheaters she's referring don't necessarily "suck" at anything related to their domestic duties. In other words, excellent fathers who are happy at home and coach t-ball CAN and do cheat on their wives. What she's saying is that there's something within that person who cheats that finds their life ungratifying. [b]They use the affair to explore another side of themselves to try to discover who they might have been able to be, if their lives unfolded differently.[/b] This is not to say that men who are lazy around the house don't cheat. It's just not what she means by that quote.

You sound like some of the cheated on wives who want to be all like, "Well, my husband cheated because he hated that he sucked at everything." Keep telling yourself that. She also says that some people cheat and become disengaged at home because their partners are not checked in emotionally.[/quote]

NP here and if I were to cheat with the coworker who intrigues the hell out of me, this would be my explanation (in addition to flawed character, exaggerated sense of entitlement, immaturity, cake eater, yadda yadda).   She's attractive to me in ways DW could never be - they're just two completely different women and I could see myself with one just as much as the other.  That's not to say I'll cheat, but if I did, it wouldn't be because something was broken at home, or that DW wronged me in some way.  She couldn't be more caring or devoted.  DW has attractive characteristics A, B, and C.   Coworker has attractive characteristics X, Y, and Z.   I'm an A, B, C, X, Y, Z type of guy.

[/quote]

And in short that fantasy is always going to be better than reality.  I feel sad for your DW. Why are you even thinking of your co-worker in that way - kind of creepy imo.[/quote]

He married when his SMV meant he had to choose between ABC and XYZ. Now he's made partner and his SMV would let him get ABC PLUS XYZ.[/quote]

That's what HE thinks in his little brain.[/quote]

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