Reply to "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage"

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Reply to ""the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage""

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[quote=Anonymous]My marriage had issues before he had an affair.  I was distant and anxious and he was financially irresponsible and put the burden of running the household all on me (e.g, bills, picking daycare and schools, coordinating with his family for get together she wanted).  I own 50% of those problems.  But so does he.  Instead of coming and talking to me (he never once told me that he was unhappy), he was quiet and had his emotional needs met through a coworker who he had an affair with for a year.  His affair was not my fault.  He chose to react in that manner.  He refused counseling before and during the affair, though I asked because he seemed to be detaching.  We are in counseling now and have small children, and I am working on my pre-affair 50%.  But we were both the victims of a not great marriage (though victim seems an odd word to use for either of us), but I am the one who has been betrayed and my trust destroyed.  Honestly, he seems to have gotten a self esteem boost out of this situation while my self-esteem is in the garbage.  I want this to work and am trying very hard, but this talk of saints/victims doesn't address all of the nuances.  Often, both people in a bad marriage are having a bad marriage.  Don't go and make it worse by cheating.[/quote]

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