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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a father with sons. We're black so my view on aggressive behavior is probably different than others.

I make it 100 percent clear that my sons are not to lay a hand on anyone. When they were kids I made it clear that they need to steer completely away from rough housing, etc. I do this because they are big guys and when shit goes sideways -- like it inevitably will -- they will never, ever get the benefit of the doubt of "boys being boys."

That said, my sons are great athletes, good students, respectful and keep themselves out of trouble. They are older now, high school and college, but I drill it into them -- they cannot behave in an aggressive way, ever. It's not safe and life threatening at worse.

This is the sort of category of parenting that I put things like partying, drinking, drugs, etc. Sure, do kids rough house? Yeah. But when your son breaks some other kids bone (or worse) and your ass is sued or your son is arrested (because this happens on the regular for fighting in public schools for example), my guys are not going to get the benefit of the doubt and their lives could be ruined.

But go ahead on about the wussification of men, PPs. It's easy to be a bad ass, pick fights, be aggressive, walk around with your guns (or whatever "macho" man violent thing you do to show the world you're a man) when you know that you won't be murdered for it.[/quote]

OP here - thanks for this perspective. I can't imagine raising black sons and the fear I would have for them now and in the future. [/quote]

Thanks, OP. I didn't mean to derail the thread, but I get so frustrated when I see people say violent behavior and aggression is just a thing boys and men do. I get doubly mad when people start spouting off about men turning into women because they aren't aggressive and violent like they were in the good 'ol days.

It's a thing certain men are allowed to get away with, sure. But that's because we allow -- certain -- men and boys to be violent, to be aggressors, etc.

My kids know damn well this isn't true. A man can be a man without having to lay his hands on ANYONE. A man can be a man without being violent. A man is just a person with a penis. The rest of this, the being a decent human, to surviving in a world that isn't fair and is dangerous -- more so for my children -- is the job we all try to do as parents.

I know if I get in a fist fight with an idiot with a gun and am murdered that society will blame me for my death. That's why this macho violence bullshit just gets me. It's ridiculous and it's a false equivalency. I've been called a pussy for calling the police on someone asshole who's threatening me. But you know what? That idiot had a gun, and a history of domestic violence arrests.  [/quote]

Np here. Just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write this out rather than just say a generic "check your privilege." I don't even have boys, but this is just a good reminder for me to think about the different standards society holds to peoples behavior based on the color of their skin. Reminds me I need to learn a lot more and get more politically active in the social justice realm.

For op, i also like the couple pps suggestions for giving your kids language to get out of a situation where the rough housing gets to be too much. And letting the kids solve their own problems without parental intervening at the moment, just ongoing coaching.

My girls are younger but generally play more roughly than their friends,  including the boys. I work with them a lot on empathy, stressing the importance of trying to " mind read" how their playmates are feeling, even before their friends say stop. Before a wrestling or tickling game starts (this is generally with same age cousins, not really with school friends who tend to be more hands off) you get consent. And once someone says stop when a game involves physicality, you stop immediately. Role play is really helpful here. [/quote]

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