Reply to Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Honestly, OP, I find this whole thread quite incredible.  [b]I am amazed at the number of people who think you should put your own interests aside or somehow invest less in yourself than you invested in your husband.  [/b]

There is something that I learned after years of growing up in a family with a verbally abusive mother and 1 physically abusive and 1 emotionally abusive long term relationship, and that is this:  One part of the dance that occurs in abusive relationships is that the non-dominant partner is constantly assessing and thinking about whether the dominant partner's point of view or behavior is somehow justifiable.  While I'm not victim-blaming, this is the behavior that the victim often has - instead of standing their ground about their needs and wants and acting in their own interests and drawing and enforcing clear boundaries, they worry about what their partner thinks, wants, needs.  When I read your post, that is what really strikes me; you are more concerned with what your husband thinks about what you should do and what he will and won't allow you to do, than what you yourself think, want and need.  Your husband doesn't have veto power over your life.  If you want to go to school, apply, register and either get a loan or write the check from your joint account, and tell your husband when you will be gone and discuss how you or he will either provide or pay for child care while you're gone.  If he objects so much that he gets angry or divorces you over this, then I think you really have to ask yourself why you are with him and whether it's wise and healthy for you to stay in such a relationship.

The bottom line is that you spent 15 years supporting your husband's career aspirations both financially and by staying at home to take care of your kids.  Your marriage ought to be a partnership where both people's interests, needs and aspirations are met.  This can be done concurrently or sequentially.  In your case, you seem to be doing it sequentially, given the amount of time your family's efforts have been focused on your husband's career.  IMO, your husband owes you at least as much educational development as he himself got out of your partnership, both in terms of time, money and family responsibilities.  If you now wanted to go to school and be a surgeon, I would expect him to support you 100%.

You have an equal right to decide how any money brought into the family by your husband should be spent, and that includes on you and your educational aspirations, whether they can be justified as necessary professionally or financially.

You have an exclusive right to decide how you will spend your time, and that includes whether it is looking after your kids full time or going back to education or work and asking that your husband spend on childcare an amount proportionate to your 2 incomes (i.e. if he makes 80% of your total family income, he is spending 80% of his total income on the total amount of childcare necessary to continue his professional life, including any care needed at non-traditional times due to a surgeon's schedule).

[b]Given your husband's desire to control your professional and educational path,[/b] I would be very hesitant to be a SAHM.  You will find it very hard to get off that path.  You should be having serious discussions about a post-nuptial agreement that would detail what you get in the event of a marital split, especially if you are being expected to stay at home, give up any educational opportunities or forgo career or business opportunities.  
[/quote]

I think instead there are a number of posters who may have themselves spent a lot on education and don't think the ROI is there.  Keep in mind Op admitted she doesn't really like working!  That's all!

It makes sense her husband wants a say in her professional life and education.  Going back to school is most likely expensive and will disrupt their family life significantly.  [/quote]

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