Reply to Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. [b]Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit.[/b]  I realize many families don't/can't work that way.[/quote]

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.
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If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she?  I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice.  Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, [b]no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.
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Morally, she absolutely does.[/quote]

Agreed. Her mom sacrificed her sunsetting years to allow for her to grow her career and save thousands upon thousands of dollars on child care. Time for her to step it up and go part time if she needs too to help support mom. [/quote]

It isn't sister owes mom care.  Her mom choose to care for her grandkids and good for her.  But, if both women are working full time its not realistic and they need to hire in care or Dad/husband needs to take care of her or something needs to change.  [/quote]

Just for the record in case people are confused, it is not a SAHM's job to provide free eldercare for all of the elderly and infirm people in their family.  I know some who so wish it were so though. [/quote]

No, it's not anybody's job to provide free eldercare. It sounds like all the players in this situation are working. Hopefully Dad can figure out how to make it work; paying a nanny and driving 2+ hours regularly to "check on" Mom is a horrible waste of time and money. Whatever Wife's beef with Sister and Mom, Wife was right to shoot down this plan as unworkable.[/quote]

eh, it's probably still going to be needed.  No it is not a long term plan but Op and his sister have to help Dad find a good place for their mom.  They are going to spend time with Dad over the next couple of months, there really is no avoiding that. They'll be visiting Mom in the nursing home and spending time with their dad who now lives alone.  It's a process.  Unless you've gone through it, you have no idea.  I hope Op's wife can be patient and realize that her husband needs to do for his parents now.  The crisis will pass and there will eventually be a new normal.[/quote]

You are mistaken. I absolutely have been through this and my parents are still alive, so our situation is ongoing, though stable. Driving an hour to visit your Mom, bring the family dinner, give Dad a break, replace the light bulbs and cheer everyone up is absolutely necessary. Visiting nursing homes with Dad to help him evaluate- absolutely.

Driving two hours just to check on Mom for 20 minutes while paying extra for a babysitter and dinner still needs to be cooked at home doesn't do anything except make sure that Mom is still alive. It is a terrible use of resources.[/quote]

I am not disagreeing that those checks are not sustainable.  But until Mom is actually placed somewhere those checks might be necessary.  It's temporary and Op just needs to do what needs to be done until a more permanent placement is made.[/quote]

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