Reply to How many women here divorced primarily due to imbalanced, unsustainable home workload?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm not really getting a sense of how these marriages, especially long term ones, evolved from what originally were satisfactory relationships into intolerable ones.  All these posts are pretty much "I've been married for 10 15 or 20 years" to this guy who is useless around the house, doesn't meet my expectations, and never did.

The wives seem to be saying that not only do they place a very high priority on having a very clean and organized home and.family life.  It has to be clean and organized in a particular often idiosyncratic way.  The husband is also required to share that same sense of priority.  Further, the wife's expectation seems to be that the husband must contribute exactly the same level of effort, passion and commitment as the wife determines is required.

It's almost as if all these expectations were created by attending some kind of women's study classes in college, or discussions with third wave feminists, or assumed as the default, but we're never actually discussed, much less negotiated, with their husbands at any stage of the relationships.  No, demands aren't negotiations or discussions.

Everyone is entitled to set priorities as they see fit.  However, it is unrealistic to assume your partner will have the same priorities or the same investment in fulfilling them.

Basically the job, whatever it is, belongs to the person who cares the most about it.  Getting angry that your spouse simply doesn't care as much as you think he should about living in a dirty house is not only unrealistic, it misunderstands the real issue, which in all these cases seems to be about the frustrated spouses sense of lack of ability to control her lazy spouses behaviors.  Well that's not something you are ever going to be able to do.  And you shouldn't be angry about it.  The answer to a spouse who won't clean the house isn't to get divorced, it's to clean it.yourself or hire it out.  Don't pretend you were unaware he was a slob when you married him.  You married him for other reasons and you know it.[/quote]

Why do you think marriages were satisfactory? My grandmother was miserable and had a massive anxiety problem because of the demands placed on her, but it was a time when there were zero other options for women.

Women have options now and can demand better.

I expect that my H will prioritize our marriage and family above everything else. And that means being a fully functioning partner, and maintaining a minimum of the same standard he holds himself to at work. If, at work, he is able to accomplish tasks on time and to completion, not pawn his work off on anyone else, and clean up after himself, I expect the same behavior at home. To do any less is a clear message that he respects and values his colleagues more than his family, and that is not acceptable to me.

I do not believe the job belong to whoever “cares” about it. It’s not about caring about the dishes. It’s about caring for your partner and your family, and wanting to do the absolute best by them.

People who do not hold themselves to this standard, who cannot treat their family with value and respect, should not get married nor have children. No one is forcing these men to get married, and if they prefer to be selfish and think only of themselves, they are free to remain single. [/quote]

While I agree with you, many times it does boil down to one partner "caring" sooner about something. The dishes will eventually bother my husband, just not as soon as they bother me. He rejects my assertion they need to be done after every meal. [/quote]

Your assertion is literally false.  Dishes don't need to be done after every meal.  You want them done after every meal,  but it is clearly not a necessity.  No wonder you are having issues with this stuff.

So did you discuss all these.things before marriage? Did you screen potential husband's for diligence and responsibility in terms of doing housework?  [/quote]

How often is doing dishes a necessity? Does it depend on when you can see bugs crawling in the sink, or is it more that you only have to do dishes once you run out?[/quote]

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