Reply to Mothers - How many sex partners would you want your daughter to have prior to marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm not understanding the concept of more sexual partners equal being a better lover to your future husband. I've had 13 partners, but NONE of them fulfilled me like my DH and it's because I'm comfortable with him and over the years, we've learned what we both like and we are comfortable to tell each other what we'd like them to change/work on. IMO, sexual exploration with your one partner teaches you much more than random sex with many people (especially when the individual sexual taste will vary). [/quote]

It doesn't always, clearly. Since there are many people who have had fulfilling sex lives with just one or two people in their entire life.

I'm the PP upthread who has had 30+ partners. I won't say that I learned something from each of them, but people have various quirks and kinks and personalities in bed. I learned what ones work for me and what ones I don't like as much. I learned various things from various people - like the man I was seeing the summer I was 20, who taught me how to give an awesome BJ. I learned from my boyfriend freshman year of college to appreciate my body for all its imperfections (he was the first one who really appreciated me physically and talked about it to me).

Did I have to sleep with all those people to learn those things? No. It's possible that I would have learned the techniques from DH. But I did learn them from different people. [/quote]

So, essentially those others 29 partners had no value really. And one man's idea of a great BJ does not necessarily translate to the next person. [/quote]

NP - you're willfully misreading the earlier post.  She said that she "won't say [she] learned something from each of them," and that she didn't have to sleep with "all" those people.  From her post, you can clearly see that, while not every single one of the 30 was an educational experience, many were.[/quote]

No, you're missing the point which is that she could have learned those things from her DH, so those other partners didn't have any real value. What one person likes does not translate into what the next person will like. It's about learning your partners and his/her needs not screwing random people. [/quote]

In the alternative, her knowledge from other partners can teach DH a few things, too. [/quote]

About what? [/quote]

Sex.

That's what we are talking about. [/quote]

That argument does not hold water. You can learn what pleasures you as you and your partner discover each other. 10-15 other guys do not have to factor into the equation. [/quote]

Hi. It's me, the one with the many apparently unnecessary partners. Glad to provide such fodder for discussion.

My point, PP who doesn't think multiple partners are needed, is that I did learn things, and different things, from many of these men. I don't consider all of them to be "of no value". Certainly that are a few here and there who I can honestly say did not enrich my life. I would consider sleeping with them to be a mistake - but even mistakes "have value" in that you learn from them. You learn to pick your partners more carefully (I know you'll have a hard time believing that I didn't just sleep with anyone who wanted to, but I didn't). Several of these people were people I loved very much. One of the ones who I would consider a sexual mistake (in that the sexual encounter taught me nothing other than that I didn't want to have any further such encounters with him) is actually one of my best friends now. Yes, DH knows and no, he doesn't have a problem with it.

I agree that it's wonderful when people learn each other sexually together. I am sure that if I had stayed with the boy I lost my virginity to, we would have learned things sexually together. I never said that it was dumb for people to have only one or two partners. I met DH, I stopped being interested in other people. The sex actually came much later. That had never happened to me before, and I thought it was really awesome.[/quote]

I wonder, though, why do some men--and women, too!--believe that if a woman has fucked 30 men or more, or in many cases, far less--then such women are "worthless sluts"? Like somehow, women--but not men--have some kind of perishable "value" that degrades lower and lower, with each new lover added? A virgin girl is "pure" and good...but a woman that's fucked 10 men or 30, whatever--well, she's just "tainted" somehow. I guess a woman "pollutes" herself by fucking more than one man? I wouldn't think your husband feels that way. You sound very happy and content with your husband.

Centurion[/quote]

I think everyone wants to feel like they're special. If your 30 year old wife tells you that in the 15 years she's been having sex, she's been with more than 30 people, you might feel less special. You might feel insecure, like you are simply another in a long line. I know that there were times very early on when I was less certain about DH's feelings for me when I was concerned that I was just a number for him, that what we had wasn't special. That wasn't the case, obviously, for either of us, but not all human emotions need to be validated by reality to exist, if you know what I mean.

There are also practical issues of sexual health. The first time I ever had sex without a condom was with the man who is now my husband. Ever. Because health and safety were more important than spontaneity or a dude's pleasure. If that were standard practice for everyone who has multiple partners, there would be a lot lower rates of STIs and unplanned pregnancy. If a person with multiple partners is considered "tainted", I would imagine that largely, this would be a reason why.

It's been my experience that people have really different standards about when a relationship becomes "serious" enough for sex to be part of it.  This month there has been a thread by a single mom who was unwilling to have a man she'd been out with twice before pick her up at her house because she didn't know him well enough. I can think of several people in my personal past who I knew I wanted to sleep with 5 minutes after meeting them. Sometimes people want to have been dating for a certain amount of time before they will "go all the way". Sometimes people want a commitment to monogamy, or, in what I believe to be extreme cases in 2013, an actual marriage ceremony to have occurred before they are willing to have sex. Therefore, anything before that line that people draw for themselves, wherever it is, is immoral.

This thread started out with what we'd want for our children. Personally, I want my daughter to feel like it's okay to explore her sexuality, or not, free of judgment. I know that is a completely unrealistic wish, though. There will always be judgment, on whatever criteria they please.  Number of sex partners is a place that is really easy to judge women, given the long history of women being oppressed in various ways. [/quote]

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