Reply to How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help?  WTF?  It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?”  It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.  [/quote]

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation?  Multiple times?  And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years?  Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time?  How does resentment not build?[/quote]

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.[/quote]

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)[/quote]

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?!  What an effing nightmare!  How do you even live??[/quote]

You got me!  This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled. [/quote]

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*.  You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets.  These two strategies are obviously [b]incompatible[/b], but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation.  It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about.  Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not.  So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork.  Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it.  If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.[/quote]
Come on.

Don’t conflate only finishing 80% of a task with fully finishing something to 80% of standard.

The former is incomplete.

The latter is cutting corner.

And of course with adhd it’s often both, fun!

[/quote]

You will never get it.  Your way is merely a way, not the way.[/quote]

I like everything folded and hung in rainbow order. My husband would be fine getting his clothes off a chair and ironing or tossing in the dryer for a refresh as needed. I'm not right. He's not right. [/quote]

But there's a difference between doing things the way you like them (his way/my way) and doing them acceptably. Some chores are divisible, so you each do your own laundry and get to decide how you want it done.

Then there are chores that affect the whole family and need to be done to a certain standard: If I choose to make a nutritionally balanced meal that everyone will eat, I can decide to make everything from scratch or I can buy a jar of sauce, microwave a bag of vegetables, etc. Likewise, I don't get to decide that my husband's shortcuts mean his dinner didn't count.

But if his way of cleaning up afterwards means he loads the dishwasher and wanders off, that's not cleaning up. The knives need to be washed and put away, the counters need to be clean. The next person who wants to use the kitchen needs to find it in ususable condition. The person who's getting kids dressed in the morning needs clean clothes for the kids, and needs to be able to find them in a logical place, which is to say, paired socks in the sock drawer of the kid whose feet they fit. [/quote]

Please provide the official document detailing universally accepted standards of “acceptable” for every household chore.  Because if you can’t, you are once again just listing… wait for it… your PREFERENCE.

How are so many of you this dense?[/quote]

+1000[/quote]

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