Reply to When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here again.  My need for love and affection does not mean I'm shallow.  It means I'm human.

Thanks for your constructive advice, but BTDT.  Same answer for the "have you talked to her about this?" questions.  Of course I've talked to her about it.  Her approach is basically: I'll see what I can do, but in the mean time, just live with it.  That's been going on for years.

Your final questions, about the grass being greener, are good ones.  But I'm not being hasty.  I haven't done anything.  And if I do, it's a decade in the future. [/quote]

I was your wife, once upon a time.  I would bet dollars to donuts she doesn't understand how important this is to you ... at all.

I didn't understand how intrinsic sex and physical intimacy were to my husband's self-worth.  He would try to tell me -- and it literally made no sense to me.  I just could not understand why it was so important.  I was confident that he loved me based on what he did to help around the house, make my life easier, interacted with my family, etc.  I couldn't figure out why he didn't realize how much I worked (I was breadwinner) and how tired I was (we had twins) and why I just needed some sleep more than sex and this was just a phase.

My DH would have said the same things about me that you say about your wife.  Great life partner.  Best friend. Roommate.  So he satisfied his sexual needs elsewhere.  When I found out, shit hit the fan.  We separated immediately and were divorced 3 years later. There was never going to be a reconciliation as I do not take well to betrayal.

A few years later, I heard my Ex's story through another person's experience - and it finally clicked.  My friend told me how his wife constantly rejected him and used sex as a weapon (I never did that.) and I could see how hurt he was.  And it all just clicked about what my Ex had been telling me.  I also figured out that it wasn't because I had a low libido -- I just wasn't that attracted to my Ex -- and I didn't understand the importance of physical compatibility in a long term relationship.  That wasn't something I considered on the top 10 list of things to discuss before you get married.

If you started off strong in the sex department -- it's worth working towards saving your marriage.  Get into counseling for yourself and as a couple.  Have someone help her see.  Also, make her sexual satisfaction your priority.  One of the things that turned me off about my Ex was 1) he would take too long and wasn't even paying attention to whether I was enjoying myself and 2) he would criticize or be dissatisfied with what I did or didn't like and even how I orgasmed.  Everything in sex was all about him.

If you've always been a bit of a mismatch -- then go now.  Leave.  Find someone who will be a better match for you.  Let her do the same.  It will be difficult, but hopefully your children will grow to appreciate and see a good model of a relationship in your next one.

FWIW - since my ex - I love sex.  It's amazing.  My BF and I are much better suited to each other though.  Wisdom through experience.  Good luck.[/quote]

Did you ever love sex with your Ex?  Woman here.  How could you possibly get married without realizing that physical compatibility is not only top ten, it's top three to have a successful long term marriage. Did you have many sexual relationships prior to your marriage?[/quote]

PP Here:  In the beginning it was decent, good sex.  Then after we moved into together, it became clear that we were very mismatched.  He had a crazy high libido... he admitted to masturbating up to 7x a day.  In hindsight, that should have been a red flag.  But he met all of my other needs and desires, so I figured we could work it out.  (Newsflash: nope.)

I had a good number of sexual relationships before him, but not a real long term relationship.  ( I think 6 months was the longest before him).  And for me, at the time, marriage was what I was supposed to do next.  I went to college, moved to a big city, got a good job, found a guy who I thought was great - smart, funny, caring, kind, and ambitious -- and then it was time to get married and have kids.  And we got along soooo well.  He was my best friend.  I just thought that the sex part was something we could work through.[/quote]

I am 26 right now and that is a big fear of mine.  Your husband sounds like a sex addict. I can't imagine how draining and hurtful it would be to marry someone and then get treated like I was basically a masturbatory aid, which something expecting sex multiple times a day no matter what. I suppose that might be okay under very limited circumstances- if you want to take away ALL other responsibilities, make ne not have to work or do household chores, so that all I have to do all day is wait around for you to get a boner, then ostensibly I would have the time and energy to be your personal fuck toy.  But even then I would feel like a complete whore and resent the dude.

I think this demand of sex is not rally about sex.  It's about the mans sense of self worth in that he gets to feel like a "real man" if he has dominion over his wife's body.[/quote]

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