Reply to When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here again.  My need for love and affection does not mean I'm shallow.  It means I'm human.

Thanks for your constructive advice, but BTDT.  Same answer for the "have you talked to her about this?" questions.  Of course I've talked to her about it.  Her approach is basically: I'll see what I can do, but in the mean time, just live with it.  That's been going on for years.

Your final questions, about the grass being greener, are good ones.  But I'm not being hasty.  I haven't done anything.  And if I do, it's a decade in the future. [/quote]

I was your wife, once upon a time.  I would bet dollars to donuts she doesn't understand how important this is to you ... at all.

I didn't understand how intrinsic sex and physical intimacy were to my husband's self-worth.  He would try to tell me -- and it literally made no sense to me.  I just could not understand why it was so important.  I was confident that he loved me based on what he did to help around the house, make my life easier, interacted with my family, etc.  I couldn't figure out why he didn't realize how much I worked (I was breadwinner) and how tired I was (we had twins) and why I just needed some sleep more than sex and this was just a phase.

My DH would have said the same things about me that you say about your wife.  Great life partner.  Best friend. Roommate.  So he satisfied his sexual needs elsewhere.  When I found out, shit hit the fan.  We separated immediately and were divorced 3 years later. There was never going to be a reconciliation as I do not take well to betrayal.

A few years later, I heard my Ex's story through another person's experience - and it finally clicked.  My friend told me how his wife constantly rejected him and used sex as a weapon (I never did that.) and I could see how hurt he was.  And it all just clicked about what my Ex had been telling me.  I also figured out that it wasn't because I had a low libido -- I just wasn't that attracted to my Ex -- and I didn't understand the importance of physical compatibility in a long term relationship.  That wasn't something I considered on the top 10 list of things to discuss before you get married.

If you started off strong in the sex department -- it's worth working towards saving your marriage.  Get into counseling for yourself and as a couple.  Have someone help her see.  Also, make her sexual satisfaction your priority.  One of the things that turned me off about my Ex was 1) he would take too long and wasn't even paying attention to whether I was enjoying myself and 2) he would criticize or be dissatisfied with what I did or didn't like and even how I orgasmed.  Everything in sex was all about him.

If you've always been a bit of a mismatch -- then go now.  Leave.  Find someone who will be a better match for you.  Let her do the same.  It will be difficult, but hopefully your children will grow to appreciate and see a good model of a relationship in your next one.

FWIW - since my ex - I love sex.  It's amazing.  My BF and I are much better suited to each other though.  Wisdom through experience.  Good luck.[/quote]

NP here: thanks for this thoughtful post.  I sort of think I may be on the other side of this, but I am not sure.  We've discussed, but the issue tends to get evaded or swept under the rug.  How would you have reacted if your ex asked you about this explicitly?   And what are the signs of this kind of fundamental lack of attraction, in your opinion?  [/quote]

PP Here:  He always told me that it (the rejection) made him feel like I wasn't attracted to him and eroded his self-worth.  For my part, I wouldn't have even admitted it to myself that I didn't find him attractive.  In hindsight, I wouldn't have wanted to admit that to myself because then I would have not been able to hide that from him.  And it wouldn't have even crossed my mind.

If he asked me explicitly - I would have told him, "OMG, of course I am!  You're so handsome and wonderful" because the last thing I would want to do is to hurt him by telling him that I didn't.  In fact, I've said some pretty awful things to him over the course of the separation/divorce but I have never told him that.  And I won't ever.[/quote]

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