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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]Unfortunately the standard is now that you work FT and handle all logistics, planning etc. 
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I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.

Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position. [/quote]

^^This. You need to realize, OP, that you are competing with women who will provide to a man all the benefits of SAHM (bear the mental load, handle all the newborn stuff while healing from a major medical event, clean, caretake, be first line of defense when kid is sick) and also be pulling in a few hundred Ks of salary. How do you market yourself to be more attractive than that?[/quote]

Are women really competing to marry men like this?  Why would anyone put up with this if they were capable of pulling in a few hundred KS of salary? At that point it makes absolute sense to me to save and plan for single parenthood ( as a PP suggested) while remaining open to finding the right  partner.[/quote]

It’s not that they are knowingly competing for it. The engrained societal expectation is that most women work and handle everything or most things related to kids and the home. [b]If you’re fortunate you’ll have a DH who takes on some tasks but he will do 30-40% of it max and you’ll need to assign him responsibilities. All the mental load will fall on you. [/b]Most young women in the marriage market aren’t aware of this. Ignorance is bliss until you’re a FT mom with young kids or you’re earning $0 because you had kids.

A few years ago I posted on here that I didn’t see how I could keep working my high earning/demanding job and have the second child my husband demanded. I shared my husband earns around $500k which could have influenced the responses attacking me. The consensus was that I’m unreasonable and my husband should/will leave me if I insist on quitting my job to have the second child. Some comments went as far to say my DH should find someone else to replace me and gladly work while having two young kids.

The sad reality is that most women don’t have the income to properly support a family on their own. Some do, but most do not. A man is still a ticket to more income and income to support the kids. 
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Stop telling people this because it makes them think that they have no choice but to marry losers like this. It just isn't true that there aren't any good men out there.

Also, if your husband is DEMANDING that you have a second child, your husband is an AH, I don't know what else to tell you. But guess what? Some of us aren't married to men who only do the bare minimum or who need to be assigned responsibilities and we sure as hell aren't married to men who would demand that we have another child.

Young women reading this - if you want to marry a man like OP who will agree that you should stay at home, that is fine, just be sure that you find one who is on board with that, because not all men are. And if you want to marry a man who will agree to do his half of childcare and house management because you both work, that is also fine, just be sure you find one who is on board with that, because not all men are. But don't settle and marry some loser who will demand that you have kids and then not help with them. It would be better to be single and childless than to be married to someone like that. Bottom line - know what you want, make it clear, and be picky. This is the rest of your life and your children's lives that you are signing up for. It should not be a decision to be taken lightly. [/quote]

DP. My DH certainly delivered his half for years. I watched that carefully in our relationship before we got married because I did not want to wind up like a lot of women wound up. He was a caretaker, he was responsible, he verbalized my value and labor, he initiated tasks and long term planning. Peach of a dad when our kid was born.

It all changed in a matter of months when he hit his late 40s.

It's all well and good to counsel women not to marry a loser. But most of us don't knowingly do so. I never would have married someone who told me I'd be the one carrying the load alone. People change. That's why you need a plan B and a plan C, and absent a strong prenup or independent wealth, most women should never step too far off the career track.[/quote]

I'm sorry for what you experienced, that sounds awful. However, you aren't the dolt who had a second child because their unhelpful husband demanded it. You had your husband do a 180 on you, and frankly, I don't know what can be done about that other than to have backup plans, like you mentioned. Again, I'm sorry for what happened to you, I can't even imagine. [/quote]

Thank you for such kind words <3

I have spent probably too long trying to look back and figure out if I missed red flags, but I'm also extremely grateful to my younger self for sticking out some of the hard parts of full-time-careering and full-time-momming. Kids got older, I got more senior and experienced in my field, and when he invited me to quit because he was making so much money? For some reason although I always fantasized about it, I didn't. So, divorce was a terrible experience and very sad for my children, but we adjusted to our new lives and will be okay. I have more time than ever to spend with them, which has been a bright silver lining.

Plan B, Plan C, and be flexible, folks. You never know what it's going to be. [b]An affair, a mental health issue, a sudden accident, a debilitating illness, an industry-wide shift, a recession, a pandemic, a war.[/b] Just try to enjoy and be present each day with the time you have. [/quote]

Some of these would be easier to handle, I'd imagine. It's one thing if your husband is hit by a drunk driver and can no longer work. It's another thing if he becomes a different person, like yours did. It seems to me the former would be much harder to grapple with than the latter. Your kids are lucky to have you. [/quote]

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