Reply to Extreme resentment over mental load

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I feel like people have been brainwashed by the whole mental load / weaponized incompetence narrative.

Not applicable in this particular case, because the OP states they are making equal economic contributions, [b]but on average men have the “mental load” of making sure that the family has enough money because they are the primary breadwinners, or are expected to be.[/b] Certainly that is not fair, but it is undeniably a social expectation. Different men and different families handle that differently. But I can tell you that it can be quite a burden. And one that men are heavily conditioned not to complain about.

The difference is that there no NYT articles about men’s mental load, or about the weaponized incompetence that many (yes not all) men face when they suggest that their wives might take on a more income producing role. Not to mention the social unacceptability of men quitting the work force to be SAHD, and don’t kid yourself if you think that decision doesn’t raise eyebrows.

I’m quite happy about the lack of discussion of men’s problems — I find whining unattractive. I just wish there wasn’t the pile-on on men.[/quote]

Almost every woman I know who complains about the mental load is expected to earn money too. [/quote]

+1 It's very rarely a woman complaining about the mental load when her partner is a provider. But in two-income households, very rarely is the mental load split equitably. A lot of men expect women to be the homemaker without being the provider.[/quote]

This is not a happy message but. Me downshifting my job (and forgoing a ton of income) truly saved my marriage.

I used to be just like OP. I think maybe my DH was worse, but this might be true for her too: not only did I have to assign him tasks, I then had to chase him to do what he committed to (“hey it’s December 17 and we still don’t have the tree you said you’d get?”).

We both made the same income because we met in the same grad school program then got essentially the same job.

I really tried to pare this stuff down to the bare minimum but no matter how deep I cut he’d want to cut even deeper. (“Do kids actually NEED a birthday party?”).

So I quit my job and picked up something easier for a fraction of the pay. Now I’m actually grateful for what he is ready and able to contribute to the household (money) and have the bandwidth to run a household the way I think it should be.

Obviously this was only after sorting through a LOT of resentment. But eventually I came to accept that I was not born in an era where truly equal marriages are the default, that I wanted to keep my family together, and that I do love this birthday-denying weirdo.

OP I wish you luck in figuring it out. It is not easy. [/quote]

I did the same thing, including meeting my husband in professional school and having similar jobs before I went to part time.  
And I agree that it works better for us, and we are both more grateful for what the other provides.  [/quote]

Ugh, if my daughter did the same thing as you guys did, I would be really disappointed. I did not raise her to maintain the status quo of male privilege.

[/quote]

Agreed[/quote]

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