Reply to Two spouses: a play

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Two spouses: a play"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain. [/quote]

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”[/quote]

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate [/quote]

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that. [/quote]

Lol, right?  That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.  
They can’t bake cookies though…
[/quote]

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride

Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

[/quote]

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?[/quote]

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you [/quote]

Nobody says it's hard. But you seem stuck on these very simple tasks. But in a day there are so many very simple tasks. Someone has to do them. And husbands would say they are focused on many other tasks just not the buying shirt tasks. For my house our division of labor is pretty even but no, my husband doesn't have to do the shirt but he is leaving work early today to take the car for an oil change.[/quote]

I just had AI tally our last five years of Amazon packages and costs. For Share of Mind sake.

Things I ordered, by quantity:
65% for the kids (bday presents, clothes costume, sports stuff, school materials) 
30% for the house (snacks, kitchen items, decor, lawn/pest stuff)
5% for me (cosmetics on sale, snakca)

Things my husband ordered, by quantity):
5% for kids (usually returned, wasn’t listening)
90% for himself (clothes/shoes, electronics, 5+ shavers a year & forgets to pack them)
5% for the house (weird electronics or lights sitting in a pile now)

Dollar value and quantity value vastly ordered by me. Tho his random electronics add up big time (roomba, etc). [/quote]

Ok? Amazon won't quantify for me the mental labor of dealing with the income taxes, car maintenance, investment management, and all the other things in our household division of labor. While shopping for the shirts and bday presents is annoying I don't want to take on the other tasks so it works for us and more or less evens out.[/quote]

The crux of the problem is ONE parent will not or cannot see the family’s needs and proactively  fulfill them — whether it’s the school’s stated concert attire for a kid, or no more cereal left, or a sick child needing medicine, emotional support of a teen.

Then everything falls onto the OTHER more functional parent, who also still works fulltime, can get an oil change every 5k miles or two years, rebalance a PA, fix a leaky toilet, and meal plan, etc.

I mean what good is knowing how to fix a leaky toilet if you’re too lazy to walk by said leaky toilet and do something about it asap or later that day. You need a royal invitation from your wife? [/quote]

I’m sorry your husband is like that but don’t presume everyone is reading and nodding along.[/quote]

DP. A lot of women have this issue with their husbands. It's understandable that we would seek to commiserate somewhere. That's what is happening here.

[b]What I don't understand is why there are apparently so many women with husbands who are not like this who need to devote time to this thread and expressing disbelief that any men are like this, or claiming it's just one or something.[/b] It's obviously not. It's a trope for a reason.[/quote]

I'm a woman with a husband who is not like this. I would say that I feel sympathy for people who are married to people (I could say men since it's mostly men but sometimes it's women) like this BUT I also can't stand the posts where people say that ALL men are useless. They're not. I know a ton of great ones. So I have no problem with YOU saying your husband sucks, and I'm sorry for you. But the people who insist it's all men are annoying. I know ONE guy like that, and another that I think is kind of a loser but does a lot more than OP's husband. I know dozens who aren't like that. So it bothers me when people say oh all men suck, welcome to being a woman. If I thought that were true I would tell my daughters to never get married (I hope that's what anyone who says all men are awful is doing, otherwise you're a hypocrite), but instead I tell them to find someone like their grandpa and dad.[/quote]

How would you know how involved the husband is with anything day to day if all you do is see him at the concert or the meet or the BbQ party talking about work?

Face it, you have no idea how most households function or what goes on behind closed doors. Unless you take a long long vacation with them, or start asking real questions (what do you think of the math teacher or coach or new XYZ) or the wife pulls you aside and tells you the ugly truth. [/quote]

Well then you don't know how involved husbands are either, nor do the other posters complaint that all men are useless. That's what PP is talking about.[/quote]

This would apply to all respondents:

[quote]"Face it, you have no idea how most households function or what goes on behind closed doors. Unless you take a long long vacation with them, or start asking real questions (what do you think of the math teacher or coach or new XYZ) or the wife pulls you aside and tells you the ugly truth. "[/quote]

Of course, anyone can say "I asked real questions / know the truth". It's completely hollow and exactly what someone would say who wants to portray their household as reality.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics