Reply to How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help?  WTF?  It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?”  It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.  [/quote]

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation?  Multiple times?  And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years?  Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time?  How does resentment not build?[/quote]

Accept your spouse, with all their warts and limitations. Look at your spouse with empathy. If you know they are struggling, then help. Be a team. Find the good in the initiative to start a task and know that 3/4 of the way done if better then none.

Unclench control and perfectionism. Seriously. It’s laundry. [/quote]

I dont know.  Where is the line between “accepting” and “enabling?”

I mean, [b]I’m assuming that if I died, DH would figure out how to do the laundry.[/b]  It’s not like he’s incapable.  By finishing these tasks without complaint, am I “accepting his limitations,” or am I enabling and encouraging maladaptive behavior? [/quote]

He would do it like he does it now - leaving it on a chair or in the dryer or whatever it is that bothers you. If he's able to do 80% of a task, he's getting it mostly done to the point that he can use those dishes and wear those clothes. He doesn't care that he's stepping over a tube of grout every day for three months while getting into and out of the shower. It won't kill him and he doesn't even notice.

I'm not saying he shouldn't care that YOU would be bothered by the tube of grout or the laundry on the chair or dripping dishes all over the counter. He absolutely should. But I'm just pointing out that your way of doing things and his way of doing things are not the same and his way is totally acceptable to him. I think people who always immediately fold and put the laundry away or always dry and put the dishes away think their way is "right." I am one of those people, by the way. But I think my way is my preference, not the correct way to do it. My husband's way is different. And I expect him to be willing to put in some effort to acknowledge how I like things, but then he's doing more than what he would do if left to his own devices. So maybe stop looking at your way as right. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics