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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Reply to "17 Year Old Custody Schedule"
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does Dad show up for anything?[/quote] OP here: yes, he goes to a few football games each season, but not all. He sporadically goes to band concerts, but usually can’t or won’t make it during the work week. We haven’t really had parent teacher conferences since elementary school, so it’s been a long time since he’s been to those. I can’t think of anything else. He complains a lot about the driving (which is annoying because he’s the one who moved…). He would never, ever drive DS to a friend’s house or anything like that on “his” weekend. My ex does seem to want to spend time with DS, but only at his house and on his terms. He would never drive down here just for a midweek dinner with DS or something like that.[/quote] You ex doesn’t want a relationship with DS where he has to put in the work. But you already know that.[/quote] OP here: sure, those thoughts have crossed my mind. But it doesn’t matter if I think my ex is not always a stellar father, or that I think he could do things better/differently. He’s still my DS’s dad, and there’s still a court order that has to be followed until spring. If my ex seeks an emergency hearing over this, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll have to represent myself pro se, I guess. The thought of it makes me sick.[/quote] As others have said, this is between dad and his son. Let dad deal with this. He can’t make him get in the car anymore than you can. I’d take my chances and let ex file the emergency hearing. I’d deal with it once the court date was set. [/quote] No, its between the two parents. Dad already compromised and reduced the schedule. If child doesn't follow the rules there needs to be consequences. If kid doesn't want to go to school, you just say ok? Doesn't want to shower or do homework, that's ok?[/quote] He did not compromise. He refused to take his son to practice on Saturday. On his day he is responsible for taking DS to school and other social activities if the kid doesn’t have a car.[/quote] Dad get less than 48 hours with the child at a time twice a month. The kid should not be going to a party on dads time. Sports practice, yes. Party or friends no. [/quote] Who is dictating that dad gets less than 48 hours with the child twice a month? OP has not said that that is the only time dad is allowed to spend with the child. It seems that dad is welcome to spend more time with the child if he wants. He could pick him up after practice and go to dinner; pick him up after work and talk about his day; offer to host son and his friends; or do any of the other activities that mom does. How do you think mom is currently engaging with her son? She is working around his schedule and his activities. Why should dad be any different?[/quote] If the kid is refusing to fit dad into his social schedule, you think he'd agree to different? Mom needs to be a parent and enforce the visit just like she does school and other things. Its two nights a month. [/quote] Why not call up the kid and ask?[/quote] agree. Mom is asking son what the issue is and how it can be resolved. She is acting like a parent to a 17yr old. I don’t know how you enforce 17 yr old to do something they don’t want to. Please provide specific techniques that will get a 17yr old to comply. Hint—it’s not taking away their electronics or picking them up and buckling them in the car. You can tell them they have to go, you can bribe them to go, you can make home life miserable is they don’t go but there really isn’t anything that I know of that can force a 17yr old to do something they don’t want to. Happy to have you provide specific ways to guarantee compliance and prove me wrong. Why isn’t dad asking his son what the issue is and how it can be resolved? Why isn’t dad acting like a parent of a 17yr old.[/quote] Because "Dad," and I use the term loosely, is a piece of sh$@ control freak who clearly doesn't want to do any actual parenting and is hanging on to this last tiny bit of tormenting control with his ex. Seen this movie too many times. Hell, I've been in this movie. I'm sorry OP. It's awful. Do what you're doing to hold your breath until your son turns 18, and keep working on them to work it out themselves. And really, you can be honest with your kid about the dynamic without poisoning the well. I know you already know that. [/quote] Amazing how you don't know anything about dad except he will not cave in to the kid's temper tantrum and you are calling him all kinds of names and every thing else. There are two sides to the story and we don't know how much dad was willing or not willing just what mom is saying and she may not have allowed/wanted his involvement. Its two nights a month. Any mom who would say a child partying is more important than seeing their other parent has some serious issues. He is acting like a parent. He is setting firm boundaries and Mom is sabotaging them.[/quote] OP here: this is BS. I have explained to my son over and over the importance of seeing his dad - both because I actually (genuinely!) do want them to have a relationship, but also because of what the court order requires. I do not think parties are more important than his father. DS’s response is that if his dad lived closer, he could still see friends/participate in school-related stuff on weekends AND be able to see his dad easily. He says over and over again “I don’t want to be 80 miles from my entire life two weekends a month anymore.” He very much feels like it’s his dad’s fault for choosing to move far away from his life. This wasn’t an issue when he was younger, but it started to become an issue in high school. Now that he is a senior, he says he is “just done.” I’ve told him he can’t be “just done” until he is 18, but DS won’t listen. Also, I never would have stopped or prevented my ex from seeing my son whenever he wanted to during the week, or even on my weekends, if he’d wanted to drive down here for lunch or dinner or whatever. I have never prevented my ex from seeing my son.[/quote] I think the father holds resentment, is being lazy and/or playing this particular circumstance to his advantage for the sake of revenge. If doubting the veracity of the son's feelings, he could have agreed to flip the pick-up/drop-off arrangement and tried to pick up the son and mom could have brought him home. Since he didn't want this, it's clear that he knew what the outcome would be and is just bitter and playing games now.[/quote] Wonder what dad says about all this? We don’t know his side. [/quote] Yeah, that would be ideal but what could he possibly say? How would he respond to the question as to why he doesn't come pick his son up? I'm sure there's some context and information missing but I'm not sure that it's really enough to make much of a difference here, I don't think he's being realistic/reasonable. [/quote] Mom has posted son refuses to visit. Mom has posted he got a job, friends and activities are her priority for him. Dad can see kid if he’s not doing those things but he’s over scheduled so there is no time. [/quote] Dad has refused to contribute to college. Thus kid had job, and activities that could lead to aid. Dad is trying to hamstring the kid's chances re: college. Dad is a controlling, narcissistic POS. To have a series of court proceedings mar the kid's senior year shows how hard dad is working to f up the kid's life and destroy their relationship. That money could have gone toward school expenses or toward a used car so kid is not stranded 80 miles from his life twice a month. Dad's priorities are about rage, abuse and jealousy of the kid. [/quote] He should refuse if he has no relationship with his child. If the job, friends and activities are more important, then that speaks volumes of how mom parented him. Dad is absolutely right to fight for visitation. On here when Dad's don't fight, they are slammed, so according to DCUM, he should have gone to court.[/quote] Dad did not prioritize knowing his son. Dad is all about his "time", not actually knowing his son. I've known guys like this. "The court order says 5pm Friday to 5pm Sunday and dammit that's what it will be! I will not be taking kid to their job and they will not see friends or participate in their extra curricular activities. Those 48 hours are about ME." He stopped paying child support as soon as everything was finalized. Guess what? His kids are just like OP's. 18+ and not interested in Dad. [/quote] It actually sounds like he did and child refuses to see Dad and OP is encouraging it. If the order states a specific schedule, then OP needs to follow it or go to court and modify it. Orders are orders. They are not suggestions, just like child support orders are not suggestions. We are talking 4 days a month. Kid sees Dad FOUR days a month. That's not a lot of time. The next post will be Dad doesn't want to pay for college and extra's after 18.... [/quote]
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