Reply to Advice Needed: parents who both work long hours

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that "fun parts of parenting" PP is a troll anyway, but if not I feel bad for her. Parenting is in the small moments, when you're doing something mundane and then suddenly your 4yo turns to you with joy or a comment that cracks you up.

If you get a lot of fulfilment from your job, that's great. But don't deluxe yourself about the tradeoffs. I wouldn't miss this for anything.[/quote]

Ok, what time do you get home from work? Did you miss the part a about spending 4 hours a day on weekdays and all weekend with the kids? Do you think moms who work full time are bad parents for missing out on every single small moment?

Let’s not turn this into a working moms vs SAHM debate. The fact is, lots and lots of moms choose to work even when they don’t have to. I know, my mom worked full time and I never felt like I needed her more. We were very close and still are, and I respect her so much. I want my kids to have that. I don’t think spending an extra hour a day doing the dishes myself is going to meaningfully affect their lives or make them feel more loved. Having a mother who is happy, fulfilled, and able to spend real time with them makes a huge difference. I know my personality and I know doing ALL of the grunt work (vs just some of it and getting help for the rest) would make me and all of us unhappy.

I’m not sure what you people do for a living, but this situation is de rigueur in highly educated professional fields. My husband and I both worked in biglaw - he became a partner, I peeled off and took a more interesting but lower pay and lower hours job. This is par for the course in that world. Husband earns the money, wife has the “hobby job” (and sometimes the roles are reversed). For every partner who is married to a SAHM there seems to be a partner married to another partner (now that arrangement I will never wrap my head around). I truly feel like I have it all, though it does make me sad sometimes that my husband works so much. If I had a meaningless job that I didn’t like I’d imagine feeling differently.

I’m not trying to brag or tell you how I did everything right in life. I’m just saying it is entirely possible for two parents to work significant hours and still have a happy, healthy family life. I know many people aren’t as fortunate and I feel like people like PP are bitter with their lot and enjoy feeling like martyrs. The thing is, you don’t have to spend your morning making your kids individual bento boxes for lunch (my kids buy lunch at school). You don’t have to work part time so that you can take your kids to Kumon or their chess lessons (my kids come home and play with each other or neighborhood friends). Yes, those are trade offs, but my kids really don’t care whether I send them little notes in their lunch box everyday. Frankly I think they’d be embarrassed. But then again, I’m not a helicopter parent and it’s really important to me that my kids don’t feel like special snowflakes. [/quote]

Thanks for this lecture, especially what's " de rigeur in highly edicated fields" lol. I'm former biglaw and still work full-time as an attorney.

No one is telling OP to wash her own dishes.

There is limited time in everyone's day and it's a choice about how to spend them. Outsourcing helps to a certain point to take tasks off your list, but after that you lose time with your kids and that's fine if it's what you want.[/quote]

I’m the first PP who commented that outsourcing PP pregnant with her fourth can’t be real, but not one of the recent posters.

For someone who claims to have it all figured out (the dream career!  the fourth child!), you sure write an awful lot here.  What I can’t reconcile is having such a strong preference for only the “fun” parts of parenting and then going on to have a *fourth* kid.  It’s hard to relate to wanting to outsource THAT much of parenting (because when you have four kids, or even three, like I do), there’s a ton of not fun parts.  I’m not a martyr, but I do value my ability to hang in there with my kids when things are tough and to find meaning in the little stuff you won’t do.  A lot goes unsaid, but it’s there if you take the time to look, which you’re pretty clear you have no interest in doing.[/quote]

What part about “help” do you not understand? With four kids, of course there are hard parts even when you have a sitter and housekeeper. But the more help you get for those things where it doesn’t really matter who does it, the more you can spend quality time with them. So on the weekends, I show them how to make their bed and make sure they put their clothes in the laundry. But on weekdays, the sitter mostly handles stuff like that. When I’m helping my third grader with his homework, she’s playing legos with the first grader. When I’m cooking dinner my older kids want to play outside on the swing set and she’ll keep an eye on them while my preschooler “helps” me make dinner. How do you think people have raised families since the beginning of human existence? [b]Do you think it’s required for a mother to be hovering over only one child at every given second? Do you value independence in your children and their ability to relate well to their siblings and other adults?[/b][/quote]

To the first question: no, of course not.  Why would you assume that I do?  I have three kids and work FT, so I'm almost never hovering over any one of them.

And to the second question: yes, absolutely.  My nine year old regularly makes breakfast for herself and her siblings, does her laundry, cleans her room, etc.  The younger two (seven and five) are getting there with those kinds of things.  They do well playing in their various combinations and solo.  They're all confident, outgoing kids and I completely credit the fantastic daycare we sent them to for that, thanks to their warm, loving caregivers, strong SEL curriculum, and and emphasis on peer relationships.

It sounds like you do actually want another adult with your kids at all times, so you hire a babysitter to do that.  And that's fine, of course, but then don't lecture me or anyone else about hovering and about how independent your kids are.[/quote]

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